I feel so defeated lately. I let Dude Man back into my life but he only wanted to be friends again so he could ask for money, I never answered but would have said no. My child is fighting me at EVERY turn!! I feel like I am living in a war zone and losing battles left and right but am determined to win the war. And I am not happy with my job, its just a job not a career. I would really like to find that one thing that excites me and makes me want to go to work on a daily basis not dread it.
Lets break this down: Dude Man--I let him back into my life knowing that he had already shown his true colors I knew he was going to disappear again but I let him anyway? Why am I not strong enough to say no, you cannot come back into my life bc you left it once before and will do it again?
The child: He is so unbending, anything that doesn't go according to his plan or if he doesn't get his way and he will flip out. And it can be so nasty!! He tells me that I don't support him and that I hate everything he does which leads to the "I'm moving to NM" statement. He always backs down from the threat to move, how long will he continue to change his mind about the move? All I can think about when he says he is going to move is that I am a failure as a mother if I cannot raise my child. I always shoot down his lack of support and my hatred of his hobbies and it gets tiring going in circles. Will this sink into him any time soon? Will he realize that by me driving him all over the place to different skate parks that I am supporting him? WHEN??? I don't think I can take much more of this.
The job: I thought moving into the line of work I am in would be a career but two different jobs in two different sectors and I know I was wrong. I do not like this field. I would really like to help people in some way. I think about going back to school to get my masters but then the money aspect of it all stops me, how am I going to pay for it??? Do I really want to get loans so that when I graduate I am in an even worse financial state than I am now??? I am over thinking this decision and talking myself out of it. Maybe someday I will get it into gear and figure the school thing at.
So all this adds up to me needing a fresh start, somewhere outside of MD perhaps? I have always wanted to move south. But I know that as hard as things are for me I won't move anywhere, not while the child is still in school. I have worked to hard for him to be close to both families to move away from that, I feel strongly that he needs to be surrounded by family. So I need to suck it the fuck up and figure out a way to get through this and get happy again.
