20 years ago

There are days in your life that cause a seismic change for you, the life you are leading, the goals you have for yourself and or your life, this change causes you to veer off the road you were on and find a new path. 

One such day occurred for me 20 years ago today, 20 YEARS!!! 20 years ago my then husband told me he wasn't in love with anymore and it wasn't all his fault. Full stop, record scratch, seismic shift in my life. And pain, oh the pain of heartbreak, the pain of anger, the pain of embarrassment, the pain of failure. 

I knew this day was coming, I know it every March, some times I remember the year sometimes I don't. This year I know the year. I think because I realized it has been so long and because talking about it doesn't make me angry anymore. When the 10 year anniversary of this day arrived, I called my ex to wish him a happy anniversary. I thought I was over it and it was funny to call him on this day that changed my life. But looking back I still carried anger with me. This year I don't want to talk to him, I don't need to relive this day. Instead I am going to look at all all that has changed in 20 years. 

20 years ago I was in college with a 4 year old in preschool. Today I have a steady job that I am pretty good at, if I do say so myself, with a 24 year old out in this world plus a 5 year old who is in preschool. 

20 years ago I moved us in with my grandmother sharing one room and a twin bed. Today I have a house I purchased 10 years ago that has room for all of us. 

20 years ago I was broken and angry and lost. Today I have the love of a man who sticks by me even when times are tough and I get a little crazy. 

A lot has changed over these 20 years. I like my life now, I love my life now, I like the person I am, I like the relationships I have with family and friends. I like that I still have my son's family in my life, that his grandmother is also my daughters grandmother, not by blood but by love. I like that we have added to our family, my in laws accepted me and my son as part of the family. There isn't difference between him and my daughter, except that he is older and doesn't like to do all the kid stuff or vacation with us. I like that my family accepted my husband and his introverted ways into our family. I have a great husband and family. 

That seismic shift I felt 20 years ago wasn't a bad shift as I feared it would be. That seismic shift lead me to my husband, to my family, and to where I am supposed to be in life. So 20 years after that seismic shift I raise a glass to that shift and am thankful to where I am and who I am today. 

My Body My Choice

 At present Roe V Wade is being adjudicated again in many states and in the supreme court. This is such a hot button issue and it's driving me batty! 

I am PRO-CHOICE, I do not believe anyone has the right to tell me what I should do with my reproductive organs. It infuriates me that the states that are banning abortions are not putting any kind of clause into the laws for the woman's health. If the woman's health is in jeopardy that doesn't matter to these law makers, how is that even right? How can you be pro-life for a fetus but not the person carrying the fetus?  Why are there no clauses for rape? If the argument is a woman shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to have a child, what if she is raped? she didn't want to have sex. What if a girl is being abused by a family member? Why are there no clauses to protect women from incest? What if carrying the fetus will cause the mother to pass away? Not all women are aware of issues before they get pregnant. 

What if the child tests for special needs that are beyond what the mother can handle? Are there programs in place to help the mother figure it out? Are their programs in place to support the child for the rest of their life? There are countless go fund me pages to help parents with special needs children get the help they need bc our health care system FAILS to help all. 

If you think about it a man can have sex with a hundred woman in a year and have 100 babies but if a woman has sex with a 100 men in a year she can only bring to term one pregnancy. Why are the laws being written to force a woman to carry a child to term. Why are the laws not being written to keep men from spreading their seed? 

A vasectomy is reversible so why not have all men get a vasectomy until they are ready to fully support a child? If a life begins at conception is that when child support starts? A man does have to be involved to conceive a child so when does his responsibility start? Probably not bc even though it takes a man to have a baby the woman is going to have to prove it's his child. Why is a woman's word not good enough? She didn't get herself pregnant. 

Are the laws that are being written including support for the poor mothers who have to bring a child to term? WIC and other social services? Are they including child care help? Are they including some sort of maternity leave reimbursement? What about health care help? Is funding being increased for foster care system if the woman chooses to give up the child? 

If these lawmakers truly believe life begins at conception they need to add help into these laws rather than just adding in ways to go after the DR's or women who choose to do what is right for themselves, their bodies, and their health be it physical or mental. 

As many people are standing up to fight for their right to choose whether or not to get this vaccination need to stand up for the right of women to choose what to do with their bodies. 

Growing up together. A mother / son story. An introduction

2020 was a difficult year, it is now in the rear view mirror but we are still in the thick of this pandemic, there is hope that the vaccine will help and get us back to normal. however we are closing in on a year of this pandemic and the reverberations are going to continue for a while I fear. 

This past month my son has been struggling, I believe 2020 has finally crashed around him. As it was getting colder and the virus was ramping back up we asked him to stop hanging out with friends. They were indoors and honestly we weren't sure where everyone had been, we needed to close our circle some. It stinks, really stinks. But I think that coupled with the darker days created a tailspin for him and he is now falling apart. 

For me this is one of my biggest fears, mental health problems scare me bc your mind can play tricks on you. When people pass by suicide loved ones often say we didn't know, they were always so happy, why didn't they reach out. I never wanted to miss a warning sign so when he started crying and said he couldn't go to work. I wanted to cry, all I was thinking was oh no it's happening and I don't know what to do. he claims he doesn't want to hurt himself and I don't see any signs that he does so I am hopeful that we can battle through this. I am praying that my armor is strong enough to hold him up as well as myself. 

He had a meeting with a second counselor, one he liked much better yesterday. He was telling me about the intake and some of the basic questions, one of which was about his childhood, I joked that he better say it was awesome. His response was really mom my dad left me, I had no one to turn to when I needed them. Talk about a gut punch. 

I have always thought saying not having a father was annoying, when I was in high school there was an instance were a group of boys decided to beat up two men as the men were on their way home from work, the men were related in some way, brothers or cousins. One man was able to get away the other unfortunately passed. Some of the boys were charged, the oldest of the group being 18 was charged as an adult. The lawyer for this young man blamed his lack of a father on his behavior and I was outraged. to me it sounded like the lawyer was saying a woman couldn't teach her son that it was wrong to beat a person to death. This occurred only a couple of years before I had my own son and a few years before I was raising him on my own. but it stuck with me. I will raise my son to know right from wrong, I will raise my son to be a functioning member of society. 

I know this isn't about me and that I need to be strong for him. I know that he can only see things that are wrong in his life rather than what is right. But it still hurts my feelings for him to act like all would be right with his world if he just had his father. I talked to my own dad about my feelings. I know that it is not fair to dump my feelings about this onto my son as he is struggling, we need to get him better and then I can work out my feelings. In the conversation with my dad I mentioned that my son told me a couple of months ago that until he understood the reason behind the divorce he wasn't sure he could trust me. In his mind his father left so he couldn't trust him and he wasn't sure if I was the cause so he wasn't sure he could trust me. his father and I split when he was 4 and he and I didn't have a conversation about things until he was 12. 

I told my dad that I did keep things hidden from my son. In my mind I have a personal life that is separate from my mom life. It was not my place to disparage his father. It was also not my desire for my son to see me out partying and living it up. I did but I didn't do it in front of  him, he was always with family, most of the time by his own choice, when I was out enjoying some much needed time to myself. My dad said that maybe it's time to tell my son about my experiences and what I did and why I did it so he would get to know me as a person and not just mom. 

This is a longwinded introduction to my story of growing up as I was raising my son. Maybe if I get it all out in parts I will be able to show it to him, he will be able to know more of the things that I did and why. Maybe, just maybe, this will  help him see his childhood in a different light. 

I am Pro-Choice

I am Pro-Choice, I choose to have my son at 17 and it was HARD and I had a great support system. I had my family, my sons family, my church family, friends, and later my partners family that were all supportive. It was still the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot fathom why people feel its their right to put rights on someone else's body.

I don't understand why in 2019 women are still under attack. These laws that are being enacted against women, where are the laws against men? What is being done to stop men from making babies and leaving? Are there new laws being enacted to support the women and children after they are born? These laws are supposedly about children and saving them. Ok so these children have life, now what? You have made it so they must be born but have any laws been enacted to support these children once they were born?

Are there laws being enacted that force the men in these situations to take care of their children? It does take a man and woman to create life. My son's father stood by me when I had my son but 4 years later decided he was done and left. It took me a lot of time and money to get help from the state to make him pay what he was supposed to pay.

My situation whereas is annoying is not as bad as others but here is what I had to deal with. My ex left me when I was still in college, he was making 2 x's as much as I was when we divorced. I wasn't even making $20K a year. He didn't pay child support for YEARS!!! I had to put him into the child support system to get anything out of him. In putting him in the system I had to pay all the fees associated with the child support account I set up. There was a set up fee. There was an annual fee, there was a fee if more then $X was collected in a calendar year, there was a fee if the state had to take his taxes from him bc he was behind. All those fees were paid by me. He was given the credit for them in his child support, so for example if he owed $300 that month and the fee was $25 he received credit for paying $300 and I received $275. He never had to pay a fee so the child was always shorted.

Our divorce agreement also stated he would cover health insurance, that lasted maybe a two years and that is being generous but it was calculated as part of his portion of support even though I covered it since my son was 6. He was supposed to pay 60 % of out of pocket expenses, he paid $0. My parents helped me out if things go crazy like when my son needed braces. I paid for all of my son's extracurricular activities, no help from his father at all.

I know that my situation was annoying but by far was better than many other people face. So this comes back to my question, what is being done to support these children that are being born to mothers who didn't want to carry them for one reason or another? Are the foster care systems getting more funding? Are adoption policies being updated to make them easier for people who want to adopt to be able to? On the flip side if the mother chooses to keep the child what support is being given to her? Is the father being forced to pay child support? Are the child support systems being redesigned so that if the father moves states, like my ex did, that they talk to each other. My ex moved twice after our split to two different states. It took years to get it straight bc the states give each other months to respond to requests.

Where is the help after the child is born? There is so much more to life than just being born. There is so much more wrong within our country that needs to be addressed aside from regulating women's reproductive organs!

So... from my understanding (and I admit I could be wrong) vasectomies are simple procedures AND reversible. So why not create a law that makes men get a vasectomy until they have been deemed responsible enough to have children? That could help bring down the amount of unwanted pregnancies and would put some responsibility on the other partner of the pregnancy equation. 

I choose to have my son, I was lucky to have that choice. I have stood by my friends as they have had children on their own or with partners. I have also sat in planned parenthood an entire day supporting a friend who choose not to have a child. It is not my business what someone else chooses to do, nor is it yours to judge my decisions. I know plenty of people who disagree with me and that is fine everyone is entitled to their own opinions but your opinion does not get to regulate my body. If we cannot sterilize child molesters bc they have rights, then you should not be able to regulate my reproductive organs bc I have rights.

I am the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding

This year has been a difficult one for me. I have had this funk around me. I try to push through and I make myself go out and do things even when I HATE being out and with people. Becoming one with my couch has been much more enjoyable lately, not even pigging out just zoning out and watching netflix or some other TV shows. I think tonight I put a finger on what has been bugging me. I am so sad that my son is growing up and leaving me. In my head I can see the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when he starts to whine, "why do you want to leave me" and I can totally understand that feeling.

Tonight we went to the band banquet, I drove myself and the kid came separately with his GF. Tomorrow we are all going to a baseball game. He asked for his and hers tickets tonight so they can drive together and I had to ask him if we could ride together. I even said I would ride with him, I don't need to drive, but I had to ask. IDK why this makes me want to cry but it surely does. That is when it hit me, this is going to be my life with him from now on.

He is going to continue to grow and become more independent and I am going to be on the sidelines. I know I have been on the sidelines for a while but now that he is driving and has a job my sideline position is growing and I am sad.

I was never a person to cry at life events, aside from funerals, but at happy events I don't cry at bc they are happy events and I don't want to cry during happy times. However at this moment when the child is moving on and growing up all I want to do is cry and bury my head in the sand. I have his senior pictures but have not been able to give them out. I have told people when his graduation party is but I have been unable to put out the official invite for this event. I am struggling and I think it's bc if I give out the pictures or officially plan the party it makes his growing up real and I am not ready.

Question: Why is he leaving me???
Answer: Because it's time and that is what happens when people grow up.

How do you change the way you are seen to others?

This past week there have been two comments about the fact that I was a teen mom. The first was really quite rude and the guy who made apologized immediately for it bc he knew he had gone to far. But it got me thinking that really after all these years my life is not defined by being a mom but being a teen mom. Then today my mom and I were discussing my brother. I was expressing my opinion that he is 31 and needs to grow up and take care of his stuff instead of dropping it on my parents like he is doing right now. She then says well you made a bad decision when you were 17. WOW nothing I ever do will be good or get her approval bc when I was 17 I got pregnant. Now mind you the brother who we were discussing got himself into trouble in hs too, he got expelled for a time, it was over turned but he too got into trouble. Does she bring this up with him? Does she hold things over his head? Nope she continues to clean up his messes and if I mention it she throws it in my face that I had my son as a teen.

And I let her get to me. As I am typing this, I have tears streaming down my face. I am not saying that for someone to tell me it is ok and the my mom is horrible. I am saying it to show that her opinion affects me and her words still have a way to cut me like a knife. For fuck sake the kid is about to graduate from HS he has a job and has a plan for his future but bc I had him when I was 17 he is tainted???

So let's look at what I have accomplished since I was 17. The last few months of my 17th year went as follows:
June: graduate high school
September: give birth
November: get married
January: start college

I took classes for 5 1/2 years to graduate. I also worked 30-35 hours a week and worked 5-6 days a week. I didn't take the easy way out. I worked. I have been paying my own bills since I got married.

I graduated from college a year after my ex left. I did have to work with a professor on a class a bit bc of the divorce but otherwise there was no delay in my studies, in fact I was able to graduate a semester before I thought I'd be able to. I worked my butt off. Yes my parents watched my son for me and paid for my degree (which they paid for both of my brothers to go to school too). The condition to watch my son was it had to be for school or work, they didn't watch him for me to go out and party. In fact I didn't go to a bar until I was 22 and with friends while my brother watched my son for me. My son was always my priority.

I was able to purchase a house when I was 31. My mother offered help with the down payment or rent at my last place but I declined I purchased this house on my terms.

My son may not have had everything he wanted and things were a struggle sometimes but I did have great family support. I had support from both my family, my son's family and the friends that have become family. And now I get support for my BF's family. I know that I am lucky that I have been able to accomplish what I have accomplished and that I wouldn't be here without the support of those around me.

But DAMN it was also me. It was also me that was going to school and working, sometimes 2 jobs, to help put food on the table. It was me that volunteered to be a team mom when the kid played baseball, it was me at his practices and games. It was me who drove to Delaware every weekend for a month to see him perform with the indoor drum line. It was me that volunteered with the band parents association and fundraisers for the band. This is all me, I did that.

So why does it matter anymore that I had him when I was young? Why have we not moved past this? How do I redefine myself as just a mom and not a teen mom? Why do I feel the need to qualify my accomplishments with an asterisk since I started younger than others and had help? I mean really haven't most people received help at one point in their lives or another?

I am not posting this for attention or to hear nice things about me, I am posting it as a reminder to myself that just bc I started young doesn't negate everything else I have done. My son is healthy and happy and about to graduate high school and I did that.

Mom life

I cannot imagine my life without my son but man some days I hate mom life. I hate all the fighting, I hate having to be the bad guy all the time, I hate have to micro manage him but most of all I hate that he is growing up. I was never one of those people who wanted to be a mom or dreamed of being a mom, that might be bc I had my son when I was 17 so I didn't have much time to dream about being a mom. But ever since I had him he has been my life. I have tried to be there for him, I have tried to be a active mother, meeting his teachers, being a team mom when he played ball, taking him to different skate parks when he was into that, and getting involved with the music department in his high school. I want to make sure that he knows that I am supporting him dreams. I want him to know that I will be there for him. Ever since high school started for him I have been dreading him graduating and moving away. I don't know why this has been so stressful for me. Its the natural progression of life, you grow up graduate and start life as an adult. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that my whole adult life has been being his mom, there was no time before for me to be an adult on my own so as he has grown so have I. Where will I be once he has graduated and moved out. Will I still be known as his mom? I know I will always be his mom and always be a mom but him graduating feels like a big part of my life is coming to an end, am I ready for this?

This might be why I think about having another child, since I still can and then that would delay me having to be an adult on my own for another 18 years. holy cow batman, this realization just came to me as I am typing this entry out.

Holiday Season Blues

The holiday season is upon us. I am typically quite excited about the holiday's and all that entails but this year something is off with my Christmas spirit and I cannot seem to get it on track.

I did decorate for Halloween/Fall on Sept 1st or as close to that as a weekend would allow.
Then I switched to only fall on Nov 1st. But its Dec 4th and I haven't done anything at home for the house. I do have a lot of my Christmas gifts bought and sort of organized. My office is also decorated and I have attended Holiday craft fairs, take a holiday photo with my mom, and attended a holiday festival. And yet I still feel blah.

I was just telling people around me that this holiday season feels different, people seem meaner and more cranky than usual but maybe it's me not letting it roll of my back like I would other times.

So what are some tricks people use to get out of this December funk? I am just over this month already and I normally love it. Sad this year.

The Struggle is real...

And I don't know why I am struggling so much. I just feel like crap all the time. I can't seem to shake the feeling EVER. I am forcing myself to carry on with my over booked schedule bc that is what I think I should be doing when in reality all I want to do is lay around my house. I want to watch movies, read books or magazines, and eat crappy food. It kills me to be out of the house and with people, I want to be at home alone mostly. But then I know I will regret hiding away in the house which will only make me feel worse so I force myself out of the house.
Working out is supposed to make you feel better bc it gets the natural hormones flowing, I think my body is broken, there is very little time when I am at the gym that I am not feeling like crap. I go bc as I am feeling like crap I am also taking more liberties with my diet so I have to attempt to work out more but I also know that the saying, you cannot out train a poor diet is so very true for me. I know I need to eat healthy all the time but all I want is to eat junk and to drink wine, both of which are just empty calories.
I figure I need to go talk to someone and see what they suggest bc this is taking it's toll on my family. I am getting what I need to get done in other aspects of my life, work isn't perfect but I am getting things done. Church isn't perfect but I am getting things done. I am getting to the gym. I am meeting most of my commitments. but when I am home I know I am more testy than I should be. I know that I am not getting things done around the house like cooking or cleaning heck even grocery shopping is taking a backseat to doing nothing. sitting and watching movies or even napping.
Today the struggle is so real but yet I am going to get up shower visit a friends home and then head over to meet up with a friend before heading home for a evening of hopefully nothing to do.

What I should have said....

So my son is set to graduate next year and the senior year stuff has already started, senior ring already purchased and he has, portrait appointment is set, graduation has been discussed. We have learned that each student only gets 6 tickets to graduation, my son told me he wants those tickets to go to his 3 grandparents, a great aunt (who was instrumental in getting him to school for a number of years) me and my live in BF (who I have been with for 5 years now and will be 6 by the time graduation rolls around). This leaves his father out. So we told his dads mom today of the plans and possible issue with tickets and I called his father to let him know. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: hello, is everything alright (I don't call very often, if I can help it)
Me: yea fine, did you listen to my voicemail
Him: no
Me: ok well were you planning to come next year for the kids graduation bc we learned that each student only gets a certain amount of tickets so there might not be enough
Him: he's my son I already told my wife I will be there
Me: well I am not sure there will be enough tickets
Him: who is going
Me: the grandparents, great aunt, myself and the BF, the man who has been living with us for 5 years
him: he's my son I am going (getting upset and rather rude in tone)
me: you don't have to talk to me like that, I am trying to have a conversation with you
him: well this is how you used to talk to me all the time
Me: fine, as soon as you show me proof that you are coming I will see if I can get you an extra ticket
Him: he's my son I get to be there.

Not sure how we ended the conversation but this was the gist of the fun conversation I had tonight. So let me tell you that I had a conversation with the kid and he doesn't want his father there, he listed all other family members who he would get tickets for over his father. I am not sure my child will tell his father this so I didn't think I should get nasty but as I still here stewing over the stupidity of this I feel there is more I should have said.

I should have pointed out that the person calling himself a father hasn't seen my son in 3 plus years as of now and by graduation it will be closer to 5 years so why does he feel he gets a ticket? I should have pointed out that I haven't gotten rude with him in a long time, I have grown up and gotten over our stuff so he needs to grow up as well and get over himself so that we can talk rationally.

Lastly I should have told him that once he can prove to me that he has a plane ticket and will be here the day of graduation is when I will work on getting him a ticket. Now I figure I will wind up telling him this but I will wait until I have the graduation date. I had spoke to the BF and he is willing to give up his ticket to the person calling himself my son's father but I am not sure that he should, the BF has been living with us for the past 5 years, he is the one who has gone to the kids baseball games and drum shows, he is the one who picked up the slack when the person calling himself a father stopped paying child support bc a new job didn't take it out of his check. I guess it was too difficult to write a check and mail it in himself to make sure that his fatherly duties were taken care of. Oh but he is the father. What the hell ever buddy. You may be a great step-father but you are a slacker when it comes to you biological child and you can kiss my lily white butt if I am going to help you when you act like a fool. I am done being nice and trying to help him have a relationship with my son. He can figure that out all on his own since he seems to think that weekly calls make a father. not so much buddy, not so much.

I can see the next year leading up to graduation is going to bring the drama back into my life and I was pretty excited that things were going well. This male had become a non issue to my life and now all of a sudden he is going to be a big headache. I will update when there is more. Fun times ahead for me.

Taking the High Road

Tonight I came across the above Kermit meme. I saved it to my phone but did not repost on social media, I took the high road, again.

Its been 10 years of the high road and I am tired. I am in tears over here for my child bc I hate seeing him pushed aside. I think its hitting me harder this month bc this month my son turned 15 and his dad couldn't even send a card on time. It was almost 2 weeks late. This is after 6 + months of no child support, you'd think he had saved up enough money to send his kid a card after 6 months of not supporting him any other way.

In my head I have started thinking of him as my sons bio dad, no longer a father bc before I could say at least he paid his child support but now that he isnt paying or making any effort to fix the payments I have lost all kind of respect for him. However as my child still sees him as his father I cannot start referring to him as bio dad out loud.

I am so frustrated right now that I cannot get his father to care, I cannot get the child support system to help me make him pay, I am frustrated with the high road.

I know the high road will pay off in the end. I know that I have slipped up some when something has come up with the kid, I had to break down and tell my son about the lack of child support as we had to cut back. When the kid tried to feel bad for his father, I told him my feelings on choices as in his father has made some bad choices that have lead him to where he is and that is on him, not my son. I do my best not to harp and to take the the high road but some days its hard and today is a hard day.

Saying goodbye to A Fur Baby

A Boy and his cat....

Last night our just turned 12 year old boy cat passed away very unexpectedly. Spot choose my son from the moment we brought him home. Spot was M's constant companion preferring M to all other humans. If Spot and I were cuddled up on the couch but M came into the living room Spot quickly jumped off of me and went straight to M.

 

2011

 

2012

 2013

When I was looking for a cat, I wanted one and fell for Spot right away but Spot had a litter mate/sister that he had paired with so we wound up with 2 kittens, Spot our boy and Blanca our girl. The first night we had them M was 2 and Blanca had gotten herself caught up in M's soccer net. Well Spot jumped up on my bed, which sat at least 3.5' off the ground and he was a tiny kitty, to wake up me and M's dad to help her. We were able to get her untangled and the net saved all without waking up the kid. This led to the cats sleeping in the bathroom for probably close to a year. 

The one on the right has a small spot between his ears which is where Spot got his name. Then his fur grew out so much he became spotless.

When I finally agreed that they could sleep somewhere other than the bathroom, Spot quickly decided M's bed was the place to be. Spot and M would fight over M's pillow until finally M gave up Spot got the pillow and M used Spot as a pillow. Spot always preferred to sleep with M or at least in M's room. 

Spot was a very friendly cat especially if you had black on, he loved to wrap his tail around black pants and leave his mark. He adapted to the 4 homes he has lived in with much grace and very little adjustment time. As long as he had his boy he was happy. The latest change came about 6 months ago when we rescued a kitten and brought her into our home. Spot adjusted well to the kitten.  I saw a renewed energy in him and Blanca, there were times when they would both let the kitten inside of them out to play. But they were also good at teaching the kitten how to relax. 

He was a licker and a kneeder and a cuddler. He will be greatly missed in our house as it's only been a few short hours and I can definitely feel a difference in the air here without his presence. 

Halloween 2008, he was not impressed

 The 2 of them in costume

 He was so furry, he got clumpy and had to get shaved, this was the end result. He HATED being shaved.

Spot did like all people and since M wasn't on a piece of furniture he would sleep with B.

 This is how Spot was with me, on his back kicking me for attention, which he almost always got. 

RIP Spot May 2003- May 2015. We love and will miss you.

Ugly weekend

I must be having a very ugly weekend bc I have had three comments this weekend that were quite the kick in the gut.

Saturday at target the lady in line behind me says: "did you get all the sun today?"
Me: "oh does it look that bad"
Lady: studdering "oh well it will probably be better tomorrow"
Me: "yep its bad, yes all today, and no I'll look like this tomorrow too"

Today volunteering at the football game for the kids band association I am checking my phone as we are cleaning up. The stand manager who is not associated with the organization I was with but with the stadium sees my background photo and says : "oh is that your boyfriend let me see the picture"
I show her the photo.
Stand manager: "oh look how cute you look I couldn't tell with the hat on"
Me: ...
Stand manager leaves
Me : "did that just happen?"

So then I get home and the kid asks "did you wear that all day?"
Can't a girl catch a break???

Hopefully next weekend is a better looking weekend for me.

What is wrong with our Justice system

Lately the news has been full of clerical errors that have lead to people not serving the jail time they were supposed to. For every instance of a person turning their life around after the clerical error there are not good instances. For instance the Missouri man who never received his day to start serving his sentence for 13 years. In those 13 years he became a productive part of society and didn't repeat his criminal behavior. However there was a gentleman in Colorado who was released 4 years early killed the states corrections chief that showed up at his door.

The case that got me the most confused was that of Rene Lima-Martin who was convicted of armed robbery in Colorado and sentenced to 98 years in prison, clearly there were many charges more charges, however everything I have read about the case sounds like the gentleman committed 2 armed robberies and was caught. He was convicted on 8 charges and had to serve them back to back rather than simultaneously so he was essentially sentenced to life. However due to a clerical error he was released in 8 years and since then has become a productive member of society, completed parole, and did not repeat his criminal behavior. however when Colorado figured out their error they sent him back to jail. Now I understand he needs to complete his sentence what I do not understand is why his sentence was so long to begin with. I am starting to wonder what his socioeconomic standing is? Plainly stated is he poor? How did this man get such a harsh sentence. Maybe the news articles I have read don't give a full picture of his criminal history. I do not think the articles would omit if he has killed someone though. (Here is one article about him : http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/05/09/colorado-man-returns-to-prison-after-being-released-0-years-early-due-to/)

What has compelled this blog post you are wondering. It was the fact that after thinking about Rene and his blight this weekend I read an article about a 21 year old driver in MD who hit and killed a motorcyclist while texting and driving and her punishment is a $500 file. ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME??? (Here is that article, or really just a press release: http://www.wbaltv.com/news/woman-gets-500-fine-in-fatal-gambrills-crash/25932998). The article says that there are conflicting eyewitness accounts. However the bottom line is that this driver was texting while driving and killed someone. Texting while driving is illegal and they killed someone. Their only punishment is a fine???? What is wrong with this justice system?

Breast feeding

So I have a much older child, a teenager, but I still harbor feelings of inadequacy bc I was unable to breast feed him as a baby. Everyone had an opinion from DR's to family to strangers, EVERYONE. The nurse who wanted to know at his 6 week check up if I wanted the pills to restart breast milk that had finally stopped bc formula was not the way to go, the family member who told me it was my fault bc I didn't have patience, or the family member that told me I needed to try harder. None of these women were with me in the room while my child was crying bc he was hungry and didn't want to latch on. None of these women were the lactation consultant who was in my room and helped me make the decision. I couldn't let him cry when there was something I could do so I chose to switch him to formula to make sure he was provided for. I remember thinking that I was somehow broken and destined to fail as a mother bc I couldn't get him to breast feed.

Still to this day people insist that the only way to raise a healthy child is to breast feed so I still wonder if I did him a disservice. As many of my friends are getting to that baby having phase and social media is so popular many of them take the time to post articles backing up their opinions. Out of respect and not wanting to get into an online argument I am choosing to post this article here. This article made me feel like maybe I am not such a bad mom for not being able to breast feed, now don't get me wrong I have plenty of other things to question, as most parents do, but I feel better about my decision 13 years ago to give him food rather than let him cry until he did it the "right" way.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/breastfeeding-just-might-be-overrated--study-finds-184819287.html

Parole or not to Parole

I read an article tonight about two convicted killers of police officers in NY. The killings occurred in 1971 and three men were convicted in 1975. One gentlemen passed in jail the other two are up for parole again in a few months. Both of the two living men have been model prisoners who have earned degree's and one of the dead mans children is supporting parole. However the men have considered themselves political prisoners all of this time bc they were part of the Black Liberation Army.

This got me to thinking about parole for violent offenders. While these men say they are changed men with a low likelihood of repeating and going back to jail, do they deserve to be allowed to live their lives when they took the lives of two men? From what the article says the police officers were ambushed when responding to a call. From the article I cannot discern any motive behind the killings. I understand that they have reformed their lives but is that enough to allow them a second chance when they took two men's lives? My initial reaction is no, they do not deserve that second chance. They may have changed and grown up in jail but so what? They still need to pay for the crimes of their younger selves.

Then I started thinking about all the money it costs to house prisoners especially as they are aging. Maybe they should be paroled so they start to pay for their own way in lives. Maybe they would be able to continue to do the work they started in prison with young people and the less fortunate. Maybe they would be able to talk to schools about their experience and try to reach kids before they go down the wrong path.

Then I wonder are they really sorry or just trying to work the system to get out of jail? I know I am cynic and I am not going to be able to decide my position on this hot button issue tonight as I am very sleepy but I thought it was worth putting out here.

The Government is shutting down???!!!

So let me get this straight bc those elected to office cannot come to an agreement about the health care reform the government will be shutting down, can someone please explain how that works?
What I have read about the shut down has absolutely pissed me off. Our military will have to continue working but instead of getting paid they will get IOU's, no national sites will be open so no site seeing in DC, no passports will be issued, no paychecks for Gov employees but the most absurd and frustrating thing is that those who are creating this shut down will not feel the affects bc they will still get paid. How is the world does that make sense?

I think it's time the American public rise and vote EVERYONE out of office. These people are not helping our country or the people they serve only making things worse. It's time for a change. I am sure there are some good people on Capital hill who do not deserve to be ousted but bc of all those who cannot play well with others they will all face the consequences. They chose to act like children they will be treated as such.

How must we look to the rest of the world when we go in to other countries to "help" or "fix" their issues but the government here cannot work together to keep it running? Seriously people, get it together. We need to stop being the worlds police and get our own country fixed up. For goodness sake 13 people were shot in Chicago on a Thursday night, including a 3 year old child! For goodness sake senior citizens are losing their homes bc of nominal debts and errors in accounting. For goodness sake an adjunct professor died of cancer bc she couldn't afford treatment after losing her $10K/year job which allowed her to live in her office on campus. I am sure there are many more For Goodness Sake notions out there that a quick glance at any news site could provide me with but quite frankly it all makes me too sad.

We need to do better

Editors note: I started this blog in April, I am not sure why I didn't post it but an article on yahoo in regards to the Ohio case and Serena William's comments made me come back to it and I realized I needed to hit publish. 

This week I read an article about Canadian teen Rehteah Parsons who hung herself after over a year of being bullied after pictures of her surfaced being raped and were circulated throughout her school and community. Today I read an article about a Californian teen, Audrie Pott, who hung herself 8 days after  allegedly being sexually assaulted while unconscious. There were pictures in this instance as well that circulated her community and school. Finally there is the Ohio instance of a young girl passing out and being sexually assaulted at a party. The only way she knew something had happened were the photos the circulated her community and school.

What is wrong with teenagers today and where are the parents and other adults in their lives? Where are they going to get alcohol, why do boys think it's ok to sexually assault an unconscious female, take pictures of it happening and circulate them, and why do the other teens find it appropriate to then share these horrible pictures with others? The pictures which could be described as child porn.

I feel like there is an epidemic going on with teens today that needs to be addressed. 1st why are boys not being taught that a passed out girl is off limits? Why do they think its ok to touch a passed out girl? Then how is it that their brains allow them to think it's ok to take pictures of their actions and share these pictures? I am starting to think that everyone who sent these pictures should be charged with child porn and anyone who didn't send them but received them and didn't report them should also be charged. This has to stop!

2nd alcohol isn't something they should be getting their hands on especially in these quantities, where are the parents and how do they not notice all of this alcohol being consumed? If its not happening at homes then elsewhere how are the teens getting the alcohol, the articles do not mention older people involved, everyone mentioned is under age. Which leads me to believe either parents are supplying the alcohol and should be held responsible or retailers are selling to underage kids and should be shut down.

3rd girls need to start having more respect for themselves as individuals and as a group. Why are the girls who receive these images not appalled by them and forced to take action? What if that was them, wouldn't they want someone to stand up for them? I just don't understand this.

4th where in the hell are the adults in these communities? In the Canadian instance the girl reported the assault but the police said it came down to "he said/she said" and couldn't go to court. Because clearly picture evidence isn't worth a damn in Canada. The girl left school due to bullying, why wasn't the school administration working to help her and teach the others how to behave since clearly the parents/adults in the community had failed. In the Ohio situation, the accused are star football stars and the community didn't want to hurt their football season. Are you flipping kidding me? The girl in California suffered for 8 days before she hung herself, there may not have been time in that instance to know there was a problem. I think kids can be secretive when something is bothering them. However in the other two cases the adults around the girls were well aware of the issues going on and didn't do anything to help them.

As a society we need to do better. Boys need to be taught that you cannot take advantage of a girl, if she is unconscious she is off limits, if she in inebriated she is off limits, if she says no she is also off limits. It doesn't matter if she flirted with you at one point or another, it doesn't matter if you thought she would be ok with it nor does it matter what she is wearing. If you think you might get in trouble you probably will so don't, it's that simple. Girls need to be taught to respect themselves. No person is allowed to take advantage of you, it doesn't just happen, and it's not your fault. Adults need to figure out how to stop the flow of alcohol into our youth bc clearly that helps the bad situations to become worse. School personal need to be vigilant and if that means overly cautious so be it but they need to work on stopping the re-victimization in the schools. Law enforcement need to start punishing the boys who do the victimizing, the kids who do the bullying, and the parents who turn blind eyes to the crap their children are doing or the kids around them are doing.

Betty's horrible, terrible, no good very bad day

Today just blew and I can't seem to shake it so I am hoping that if I write it all down the bad jewjew will get off of me.

Woke up the child this AM and he insisted he had a sore throat and needed more sleep so I tell him to suck it up and get up. He is tired bc he went to bed late, then woke up in the middle of the night. I told him he didn't have a sore throat when he was eating his Halloween candy and out the door I go.

My co-worker texted me and told me that traffic was bad on one of the streets I take as a back road so I figured traffic would be slow but not as slow as it was. Consequently I was late to work but I got there before my boss and before the corporate guy who was coming in. So this could be considered a wash it just frustrated me that traffic was slow for no visible reason.

Within an hour of being at work the child's school called and saying he was in the health room with a slight fever. I didn't feel like I could leave work bc corporate finally came down to help me out after a week of putting it off. (yes I know there was a freak storm this week, however if they expected me to make it in they could have made it up...). My aunt was a godsend and picked up the child for me and brought him home.

We are short staffed (until Monday...) so the driver decides to leave to go on his route instead of helping the lone yard guy unload a delivery plus helping the multiple customers that arrive at the same time. So I go out to help load customers since the lone yard guy is swamped. My first customer goes fine, get him what he needs and off he goes. The second guy, not so much. I dropped a piece of pipe on my finger then the same pipe wound up falling on my head. ARG!! Luckily it was a piece of plastic pipe, not the cast iron but it still hurt.

I was already scheduled to work a half day to take the child to the orthodontist so when I leave I get home and have to wake him up. I know he is really not feeling well when I find him asleep, he never naps. We get to the orthodontist and he tells them he isn't feeling well so no one will work on him for fear of getting infected??? So a wasted half day of work. When I go to reschedule his appointment I asked if I would have been charged a cancellation fee today and was told yes. So what did they expect me to do? I am not going to pay especially when I have already taken a half day. So I rescheduled his appointment but the only times  they have available are 9:30 AM so I have to figure out how to get him to a new appointment.

And finally as I am leaving the orthodontist I get a text to call the office bc corporate wants to talk to me. When I call in he proceeds to tell me that the reason we were having issues is something I did in May. His explanation makes NO sense to me but I am sure he has already told my direct boss and got him all pissed at me. This just blows!!!

So I am sitting here watching a chick flick drinking spiked lemonade my brother gave me for my birthday willing this horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day to end.

A much overdue update

I haven't really updated about myself recently so today on my day off I decided to write a hopefully quick update.

Work: I took a managers position that opened up at work. I am no fan of being the boss I have decided!! I do not like having to speak to adults who should know what there job is and should be doing it, I mean come on people. But I am a pretty good paper pusher and I think I have gotten a handle on doing inventory counts. I only have three left next week which I will be able to finish. I am anal about figuring out material when things aren't adding up and I think upper management likes this. I do not have a handle on ordering inventory but am getting better at it. I have been able to say a bunch lately, I have the items needed on order. But I still need to work on that. And probably need to work on getting to work earlier than right on time. I get stuck in traffic so often its so frustrating.

Child: We survived the first year of middle school and have now started the second year. So far so good. For the most part he is a good kid but as with all children he still has phases that drive me crazy. He just turned 12 and with that he went through this lovely "I want phase" he still has money to spend and when he gets a hair up his butt he gets really pushy to go spend his money. With other people he is still very good and on his best behavior which is so good. I am happy that we haven't reached full on puberty yet. Fingers crossed I have a few more updates before that happens.

Love life: Is amazing!! I met a man and it's been really good for the past 6 months. He has met the monster and things there couldn't be any better. He introduced us to drag racing, we now go to the track a couple times a month to watch races. Its great family time. The monster asks about him all time, I didn't realize how much the monster needed a man in his life on a more steady basis than the weekends when we are around family. The new guy has met my family and I have met his. We spend most of our free time together and have lots of family time. It's really nice and I am so happy. I have avoided updating on this bc I don't want to jinx it but I think we are out of the jinx zone.

So there is my update. I am one happy camper right now.