What's done is done. Or is it...

I tend to have the mindset that once whatever is done, its done. Things don't always end the first time you think they have nor do they always end well but once things are done, they are done.

Should they be allowed to resurface?

I was thinking about my new years resolutions lately and was thinking that there was something that I needed to add to it. I really need to go back to my only looking forward mindset. Because I tend to repeat patterns and I need to stop that bc after all isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. I do this in most aspects of my life; in relationships, with my child, in my professional life, with my ex husband. I need to look forward and move forward rather than looking backwards.

New Years Resolutions

I am actually thinking about resolutions this year. Normally I just ignore them bc I doubt I will stick to them but this year is different. I am 29 and am HATING it. I don't feel like I am where I should be for a 29 year old and in my head I have a number of things I told myself I would have taken care of by the time I turn 30 and as I am 9 months away from that end date I should probably start working towards them. That being said I need to write down my resolutions for this year that will get me to my 30 year old goals.

1. I need to get healthier, I need to start working out and eating better. My lovely brother bought me Zumba for Christmas so I can start working out at home. I have fixed the payment for my gym membership so maybe I will be able to work out a schedule to go there too.

2. I need to get my finances in order. My 30 year old goals include getting a 401K set up.

3. I need to clean out my house, I have too much crap.

4. I need to get the child onto a chore schedule. He did really well this week with me leaving him a morning note with a chore a day so maybe I will have to continue that on a calendar so that he gets into a habit of helping around the house.

5. I need to pay more attention to the child's school work and work with him to help him want to do well and get organized.

Now me being honest with myself, I have never been good at sticking to resolutions/goals but I really want to work on these which is why I writing them down and posting them on the internet, hopefully this will help keep me on track to reach my goals, 9 months to go...

All I want to do is cry

And I realize this is such an irrational response, but this is how I feel.

My child decided he wants to go visit his dad on the west coast for Thanksgiving week. I said ok not really thinking his dad would be able to come up with the money to buy the ticket. I was wrong he found the money or said he had. It took him forever to send me the flight information and then only the flight leaving home not the one coming back. So I clung to the hope that he didn't buy the return flight and if that was the case I wasn't sending him there since I wasn't going to buy the return flight.

Well tonight he finally sent me the return flight information and its a day later than we had talked about. I am pissed!!! We discussed my son missing one day of school and now he is going to miss two days and he isn't getting back until 8:55PM on Tuesday night. So Wednesday is going to be a hell of a day for my son which is going to make the rest of the week really bad too.

When I mentioned the extra day, the fact that I was just finding out about it now, and how late my son is getting in the ex got indignant with me!!!! I am so annoyed. He said that there is a weather advisory for Monday so he couldn't schedule the flight on Monday and that there is an issue for the weekend too so the only other choice was Tuesday. Then the ex says "what's the big deal with the child doesn't go to bed until 9:45PM anyway??? The big deal is the plane is supposed to land at 8:55 but there is no guarantee that it will and then I will have to get him home so I figure it will be 10pm by the time I get home and then he has to unwind to get up the next morning.

This all around just blows!!! I asked the ex to change the flight to an earlier one but I doubt he will since he is pissed at me since I didn't have a conversation with him about possibly piercing the child's ears.

All I want to do is cry right now. I don't want to my child to be elsewhere on a holiday, even if it is only on Thanksgiving, I don't want my child to fly across the country by himself, but most selfishly I don't want my child to enjoy himself and consider moving with his father. I just want to cry.

Thinking I would like a fresh start...

But know I won't try for it anytime soon.

I feel so defeated lately. I let Dude Man back into my life but he only wanted to be friends again so he could ask for money, I never answered but would have said no. My child is fighting me at EVERY turn!! I feel like I am living in a war zone and losing battles left and right but am determined to win the war. And I am not happy with my job, its just a job not a career. I would really like to find that one thing that excites me and makes me want to go to work on a daily basis not dread it.

Lets break this down: Dude Man--I let him back into my life knowing that he had already shown his true colors I knew he was going to disappear again but I let him anyway? Why am I not strong enough to say no, you cannot come back into my life bc you left it once before and will do it again?

The child: He is so unbending, anything that doesn't go according to his plan or if he doesn't get his way and he will flip out. And it can be so nasty!! He tells me that I don't support him and that I hate everything he does which leads to the "I'm moving to NM" statement. He always backs down from the threat to move, how long will he continue to change his mind about the move? All I can think about when he says he is going to move is that I am a failure as a mother if I cannot raise my child. I always shoot down his lack of support and my hatred of his hobbies and it gets tiring going in circles. Will this sink into him any time soon? Will he realize that by me driving him all over the place to different skate parks that I am supporting him? WHEN??? I don't think I can take much more of this.

The job: I thought moving into the line of work I am in would be a career but two different jobs in two different sectors and I know I was wrong. I do not like this field. I would really like to help people in some way. I think about going back to school to get my masters but then the money aspect of it all stops me, how am I going to pay for it??? Do I really want to get loans so that when I graduate I am in an even worse financial state than I am now??? I am over thinking this decision and talking myself out of it. Maybe someday I will get it into gear and figure the school thing at.

So all this adds up to me needing a fresh start, somewhere outside of MD perhaps? I have always wanted to move south. But I know that as hard as things are for me I won't move anywhere, not while the child is still in school. I have worked to hard for him to be close to both families to move away from that, I feel strongly that he needs to be surrounded by family. So I need to suck it the fuck up and figure out a way to get through this and get happy again.

Lunch date again...

So he has been texting and I have been ignoring but for some reason I decided to answer his texts/calls tonight and boy am I regretting that.

He decided to try to tell me how he didn't do anything wrong and I completely misunderstood him and didn't give him a chance to explain that when he invited me to the hotel he didn't mean for sex, no he meant just so we could be together.

He actually asked if I thought he would be so respectful for so long if he was only after sex? Why yes I do think you played the Christian aspect of your life to me only to come in and try for a piece of ass. And now that you failed you think telling me you love me and can't stop thinking of me is going to make me drop my drawers. Um no sir, you fail and need to go away.

I did tell him that, hopefully he gets the hint. I will NOT be returning any messages from him again!!!

Last strike out

I had been trying a new dating site up until a few months ago. I swear I know people who have met their significant others online and are blissfully happy, I also swear I am not one of those people who is destined to find someone online.

So I meet this man and he seems nice if not a tad over religious but I think to myself, hey why not give him a chance. "You never know until you try it" and "Never judge a book by its cover" are what I keep repeating to myself so as not to repeat the same tattooed patterns I had been.

We meet in person and he is a nice enough man, a bit conservative and that makes me nervous since I am so not but I figure why not keep talking to him. He starts meeting me for lunch once a week and since I only get a half hour and he lives 40 min away he is really putting in a decent effort. Its nice to be doted on, he also pays for everything. I feel bad about this so we are going to the movies and I get there first and pay and he was highly offended that I paid, he said it made him look bad. This probably should have been a warning but I let that slide.

Things are progressing, a bit slowly, bc we live so far away from each other and he is a nurse so he works crazy hours. Then one Friday we are discussing our Sat night plans and this is the text exchange:

Lunch date: We will see each other tomorrow right?

Me: Tomorrow evening, what would you like to do?

Lunch date: Yes tomorrow evening. I was thinking maybe we can have dinner and then maybe if it si oke with you maybe we can spend alone time. Maybe we can check into hotel and spend alone time together, we don't have to stay over night. What do you think?

Well I thought he was nuts and I wasn't really happy being propositioned and I told him so. Which he then got offended bc I didn't want to see him. He ends the text conversation with something like this: "I thought this was going somewhere, I put too much faith in you, I am a good person I will find what I am looking for I hope you do to." I thought it was done, I didn't respond to that and just let it go.

Then on Monday/Tuesday he starts sending me apologizing texts and one said he was upset bc I wasn't understanding him. Well if this is how you act when you are misunderstood then I am really glad I let him go. A full week after the "alone time" texticapade. He sends me another text asking if I have ever been in love with someone but didn't know how to tell them. I told him Nope, never happened and then he proceeds to tell me his heart was closed off until he met me and he is in love with me. I told him I thought he was more right a week ago and good luck finding someone else.

What the hell buddy, no you do not love me!! You thought that by saying that you would get into my panties and you would be wrong. The crazy alert bell was ringing for this one and I am glad I got out when I did. But he will forever be known as the "alone time guy".

Shin Splints....

I have become a cautious person since my divorce and ensuing dating experiences. I refuse to jump into things bc when I do I always get shin splints. So what did my dumb ass do??? I jumped and how did it turn out, shin splits with a side of frustration.

I had the brilliant notion that dating a guy from my hometown would be a good idea. Now why I went back on the deal I made with myself at 15, I have no idea. I decided at 15 that I would no longer date guys from my high school/home town (they are now interchangeable) bc of the drama that came with it. And yet I knew when I flagged him down at an event what might happen. I wanted to see what would happen well I saw and I came out short, again!!

I am frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to be treated poorly most of the time bc every now and then I was treated well. Its a stupid girl thing, I know this, I also know that I am smarter than this but that doesn't stop me from going into the situation. I am frustrated bc I jumped and really wanted this to go well and wound up breaking my own golden rule; I introduced dude man to my son. I NEVER do that!! I do not want my son to have men in and out of his life, I do not want him to see me going through guys, I do not want him to see me as an emotional mess. Even if I do go through men and am an emotional mess, that is not for him to see. He has to see me as a strong role model. He has to know that there is a way to treat a lady, how can I teach him that when I allow myself to be treated poorly. BTW, my son HATED him!!! Not only did dude man touch my son's hair and call it sexy but also slapped his own son. 1. Why would you tell a 10 year old they are sexy??? 2. Why touch someone you just met? Ok admittedly this might just be a thing my son and I don't like but still. But the thing that pissed my son off the most was the way dude man disciplined his son.

The shin splints started when I finally got the courage to ask the question to which the answer I knew but didn't want to hear. I asked why he kept standing me up and get the standard I don't know, I am sorry, I'm an ass. What was I supposed to do with that except learn where I stood? And yet I didn't give up on him right away, I called him in hopes that we could get on the same page. After he said all the right things, I thought we were on that same page. When will I learn? It started to feel as if he only called me when he was horny. But as I always have my son I cannot get a sitter at the drop of a dime so I felt he was disappointed or upset when I couldn't make it happen. Now maybe I am incorrect in this but I don't think I will ever know bc he is not an expressive person and I do not care enough to call and try to find out.

So as I end this post with my shin splits and frustration with this situation; I must tell you that I have not given up on finding someone but I think its time to do some internal work and see why I keep making the same choices while expecting different outcomes. I will leave you with a verse of a song that keeps running through my head as well as another full song that is running on a loop in my head right now.

Vs the Earth--Psycho.

What could you possibly expect out of me
When you know I only want one thing
Still you let me get it
And then you cry about being alone

Reba--Consider me gone

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...

[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...

[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.