This past month my son has been struggling, I believe 2020 has finally crashed around him. As it was getting colder and the virus was ramping back up we asked him to stop hanging out with friends. They were indoors and honestly we weren't sure where everyone had been, we needed to close our circle some. It stinks, really stinks. But I think that coupled with the darker days created a tailspin for him and he is now falling apart.
For me this is one of my biggest fears, mental health problems scare me bc your mind can play tricks on you. When people pass by suicide loved ones often say we didn't know, they were always so happy, why didn't they reach out. I never wanted to miss a warning sign so when he started crying and said he couldn't go to work. I wanted to cry, all I was thinking was oh no it's happening and I don't know what to do. he claims he doesn't want to hurt himself and I don't see any signs that he does so I am hopeful that we can battle through this. I am praying that my armor is strong enough to hold him up as well as myself.
He had a meeting with a second counselor, one he liked much better yesterday. He was telling me about the intake and some of the basic questions, one of which was about his childhood, I joked that he better say it was awesome. His response was really mom my dad left me, I had no one to turn to when I needed them. Talk about a gut punch.
I have always thought saying not having a father was annoying, when I was in high school there was an instance were a group of boys decided to beat up two men as the men were on their way home from work, the men were related in some way, brothers or cousins. One man was able to get away the other unfortunately passed. Some of the boys were charged, the oldest of the group being 18 was charged as an adult. The lawyer for this young man blamed his lack of a father on his behavior and I was outraged. to me it sounded like the lawyer was saying a woman couldn't teach her son that it was wrong to beat a person to death. This occurred only a couple of years before I had my own son and a few years before I was raising him on my own. but it stuck with me. I will raise my son to know right from wrong, I will raise my son to be a functioning member of society.
I know this isn't about me and that I need to be strong for him. I know that he can only see things that are wrong in his life rather than what is right. But it still hurts my feelings for him to act like all would be right with his world if he just had his father. I talked to my own dad about my feelings. I know that it is not fair to dump my feelings about this onto my son as he is struggling, we need to get him better and then I can work out my feelings. In the conversation with my dad I mentioned that my son told me a couple of months ago that until he understood the reason behind the divorce he wasn't sure he could trust me. In his mind his father left so he couldn't trust him and he wasn't sure if I was the cause so he wasn't sure he could trust me. his father and I split when he was 4 and he and I didn't have a conversation about things until he was 12.
I told my dad that I did keep things hidden from my son. In my mind I have a personal life that is separate from my mom life. It was not my place to disparage his father. It was also not my desire for my son to see me out partying and living it up. I did but I didn't do it in front of him, he was always with family, most of the time by his own choice, when I was out enjoying some much needed time to myself. My dad said that maybe it's time to tell my son about my experiences and what I did and why I did it so he would get to know me as a person and not just mom.
This is a longwinded introduction to my story of growing up as I was raising my son. Maybe if I get it all out in parts I will be able to show it to him, he will be able to know more of the things that I did and why. Maybe, just maybe, this will help him see his childhood in a different light.
