New Years Resolutions

I am actually thinking about resolutions this year. Normally I just ignore them bc I doubt I will stick to them but this year is different. I am 29 and am HATING it. I don't feel like I am where I should be for a 29 year old and in my head I have a number of things I told myself I would have taken care of by the time I turn 30 and as I am 9 months away from that end date I should probably start working towards them. That being said I need to write down my resolutions for this year that will get me to my 30 year old goals.

1. I need to get healthier, I need to start working out and eating better. My lovely brother bought me Zumba for Christmas so I can start working out at home. I have fixed the payment for my gym membership so maybe I will be able to work out a schedule to go there too.

2. I need to get my finances in order. My 30 year old goals include getting a 401K set up.

3. I need to clean out my house, I have too much crap.

4. I need to get the child onto a chore schedule. He did really well this week with me leaving him a morning note with a chore a day so maybe I will have to continue that on a calendar so that he gets into a habit of helping around the house.

5. I need to pay more attention to the child's school work and work with him to help him want to do well and get organized.

Now me being honest with myself, I have never been good at sticking to resolutions/goals but I really want to work on these which is why I writing them down and posting them on the internet, hopefully this will help keep me on track to reach my goals, 9 months to go...

All I want to do is cry

And I realize this is such an irrational response, but this is how I feel.

My child decided he wants to go visit his dad on the west coast for Thanksgiving week. I said ok not really thinking his dad would be able to come up with the money to buy the ticket. I was wrong he found the money or said he had. It took him forever to send me the flight information and then only the flight leaving home not the one coming back. So I clung to the hope that he didn't buy the return flight and if that was the case I wasn't sending him there since I wasn't going to buy the return flight.

Well tonight he finally sent me the return flight information and its a day later than we had talked about. I am pissed!!! We discussed my son missing one day of school and now he is going to miss two days and he isn't getting back until 8:55PM on Tuesday night. So Wednesday is going to be a hell of a day for my son which is going to make the rest of the week really bad too.

When I mentioned the extra day, the fact that I was just finding out about it now, and how late my son is getting in the ex got indignant with me!!!! I am so annoyed. He said that there is a weather advisory for Monday so he couldn't schedule the flight on Monday and that there is an issue for the weekend too so the only other choice was Tuesday. Then the ex says "what's the big deal with the child doesn't go to bed until 9:45PM anyway??? The big deal is the plane is supposed to land at 8:55 but there is no guarantee that it will and then I will have to get him home so I figure it will be 10pm by the time I get home and then he has to unwind to get up the next morning.

This all around just blows!!! I asked the ex to change the flight to an earlier one but I doubt he will since he is pissed at me since I didn't have a conversation with him about possibly piercing the child's ears.

All I want to do is cry right now. I don't want to my child to be elsewhere on a holiday, even if it is only on Thanksgiving, I don't want my child to fly across the country by himself, but most selfishly I don't want my child to enjoy himself and consider moving with his father. I just want to cry.

Thinking I would like a fresh start...

But know I won't try for it anytime soon.

I feel so defeated lately. I let Dude Man back into my life but he only wanted to be friends again so he could ask for money, I never answered but would have said no. My child is fighting me at EVERY turn!! I feel like I am living in a war zone and losing battles left and right but am determined to win the war. And I am not happy with my job, its just a job not a career. I would really like to find that one thing that excites me and makes me want to go to work on a daily basis not dread it.

Lets break this down: Dude Man--I let him back into my life knowing that he had already shown his true colors I knew he was going to disappear again but I let him anyway? Why am I not strong enough to say no, you cannot come back into my life bc you left it once before and will do it again?

The child: He is so unbending, anything that doesn't go according to his plan or if he doesn't get his way and he will flip out. And it can be so nasty!! He tells me that I don't support him and that I hate everything he does which leads to the "I'm moving to NM" statement. He always backs down from the threat to move, how long will he continue to change his mind about the move? All I can think about when he says he is going to move is that I am a failure as a mother if I cannot raise my child. I always shoot down his lack of support and my hatred of his hobbies and it gets tiring going in circles. Will this sink into him any time soon? Will he realize that by me driving him all over the place to different skate parks that I am supporting him? WHEN??? I don't think I can take much more of this.

The job: I thought moving into the line of work I am in would be a career but two different jobs in two different sectors and I know I was wrong. I do not like this field. I would really like to help people in some way. I think about going back to school to get my masters but then the money aspect of it all stops me, how am I going to pay for it??? Do I really want to get loans so that when I graduate I am in an even worse financial state than I am now??? I am over thinking this decision and talking myself out of it. Maybe someday I will get it into gear and figure the school thing at.

So all this adds up to me needing a fresh start, somewhere outside of MD perhaps? I have always wanted to move south. But I know that as hard as things are for me I won't move anywhere, not while the child is still in school. I have worked to hard for him to be close to both families to move away from that, I feel strongly that he needs to be surrounded by family. So I need to suck it the fuck up and figure out a way to get through this and get happy again.

Lunch date again...

So he has been texting and I have been ignoring but for some reason I decided to answer his texts/calls tonight and boy am I regretting that.

He decided to try to tell me how he didn't do anything wrong and I completely misunderstood him and didn't give him a chance to explain that when he invited me to the hotel he didn't mean for sex, no he meant just so we could be together.

He actually asked if I thought he would be so respectful for so long if he was only after sex? Why yes I do think you played the Christian aspect of your life to me only to come in and try for a piece of ass. And now that you failed you think telling me you love me and can't stop thinking of me is going to make me drop my drawers. Um no sir, you fail and need to go away.

I did tell him that, hopefully he gets the hint. I will NOT be returning any messages from him again!!!

Last strike out

I had been trying a new dating site up until a few months ago. I swear I know people who have met their significant others online and are blissfully happy, I also swear I am not one of those people who is destined to find someone online.

So I meet this man and he seems nice if not a tad over religious but I think to myself, hey why not give him a chance. "You never know until you try it" and "Never judge a book by its cover" are what I keep repeating to myself so as not to repeat the same tattooed patterns I had been.

We meet in person and he is a nice enough man, a bit conservative and that makes me nervous since I am so not but I figure why not keep talking to him. He starts meeting me for lunch once a week and since I only get a half hour and he lives 40 min away he is really putting in a decent effort. Its nice to be doted on, he also pays for everything. I feel bad about this so we are going to the movies and I get there first and pay and he was highly offended that I paid, he said it made him look bad. This probably should have been a warning but I let that slide.

Things are progressing, a bit slowly, bc we live so far away from each other and he is a nurse so he works crazy hours. Then one Friday we are discussing our Sat night plans and this is the text exchange:

Lunch date: We will see each other tomorrow right?

Me: Tomorrow evening, what would you like to do?

Lunch date: Yes tomorrow evening. I was thinking maybe we can have dinner and then maybe if it si oke with you maybe we can spend alone time. Maybe we can check into hotel and spend alone time together, we don't have to stay over night. What do you think?

Well I thought he was nuts and I wasn't really happy being propositioned and I told him so. Which he then got offended bc I didn't want to see him. He ends the text conversation with something like this: "I thought this was going somewhere, I put too much faith in you, I am a good person I will find what I am looking for I hope you do to." I thought it was done, I didn't respond to that and just let it go.

Then on Monday/Tuesday he starts sending me apologizing texts and one said he was upset bc I wasn't understanding him. Well if this is how you act when you are misunderstood then I am really glad I let him go. A full week after the "alone time" texticapade. He sends me another text asking if I have ever been in love with someone but didn't know how to tell them. I told him Nope, never happened and then he proceeds to tell me his heart was closed off until he met me and he is in love with me. I told him I thought he was more right a week ago and good luck finding someone else.

What the hell buddy, no you do not love me!! You thought that by saying that you would get into my panties and you would be wrong. The crazy alert bell was ringing for this one and I am glad I got out when I did. But he will forever be known as the "alone time guy".

Shin Splints....

I have become a cautious person since my divorce and ensuing dating experiences. I refuse to jump into things bc when I do I always get shin splints. So what did my dumb ass do??? I jumped and how did it turn out, shin splits with a side of frustration.

I had the brilliant notion that dating a guy from my hometown would be a good idea. Now why I went back on the deal I made with myself at 15, I have no idea. I decided at 15 that I would no longer date guys from my high school/home town (they are now interchangeable) bc of the drama that came with it. And yet I knew when I flagged him down at an event what might happen. I wanted to see what would happen well I saw and I came out short, again!!

I am frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to be treated poorly most of the time bc every now and then I was treated well. Its a stupid girl thing, I know this, I also know that I am smarter than this but that doesn't stop me from going into the situation. I am frustrated bc I jumped and really wanted this to go well and wound up breaking my own golden rule; I introduced dude man to my son. I NEVER do that!! I do not want my son to have men in and out of his life, I do not want him to see me going through guys, I do not want him to see me as an emotional mess. Even if I do go through men and am an emotional mess, that is not for him to see. He has to see me as a strong role model. He has to know that there is a way to treat a lady, how can I teach him that when I allow myself to be treated poorly. BTW, my son HATED him!!! Not only did dude man touch my son's hair and call it sexy but also slapped his own son. 1. Why would you tell a 10 year old they are sexy??? 2. Why touch someone you just met? Ok admittedly this might just be a thing my son and I don't like but still. But the thing that pissed my son off the most was the way dude man disciplined his son.

The shin splints started when I finally got the courage to ask the question to which the answer I knew but didn't want to hear. I asked why he kept standing me up and get the standard I don't know, I am sorry, I'm an ass. What was I supposed to do with that except learn where I stood? And yet I didn't give up on him right away, I called him in hopes that we could get on the same page. After he said all the right things, I thought we were on that same page. When will I learn? It started to feel as if he only called me when he was horny. But as I always have my son I cannot get a sitter at the drop of a dime so I felt he was disappointed or upset when I couldn't make it happen. Now maybe I am incorrect in this but I don't think I will ever know bc he is not an expressive person and I do not care enough to call and try to find out.

So as I end this post with my shin splits and frustration with this situation; I must tell you that I have not given up on finding someone but I think its time to do some internal work and see why I keep making the same choices while expecting different outcomes. I will leave you with a verse of a song that keeps running through my head as well as another full song that is running on a loop in my head right now.

Vs the Earth--Psycho.

What could you possibly expect out of me
When you know I only want one thing
Still you let me get it
And then you cry about being alone

Reba--Consider me gone

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...

[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...

[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

CRAP!!!

I have never disappointed my child and I am afraid I am about to!! I waited to long to get tickets to a 3 day event this weekend and now they may be all sold out. I am going to try again tomorrow and if I have too at will call when we get down there on Thursday but oh no!!! I really really do not want to disappoint him. I feel absolutely horrible for not planning this better. I was waiting to get the money back from my ex but I shouldn't have I should have bought them right when they went on sale rather than wait until I thought I was in a better place. CRAP!!! I feel like ass right now. I am praying that we can work this out. I do not want to disappoint him at all. I have learned my lesson I will not wait until the last minute anymore. ARG!!!

Why does the Captain always pick crazy women????

My child went to visit his father at the end of last month and now it's time for me to have to go get him. Which means I have to fly to NM where his dad is currently living to get him. This has been the plan for a couple of months now. I tried to talk the monster into flying home alone with no such luck. I will tell the ex and child that if this is to happen next summer the child will be flying home alone but that can wait until next year.

So talking to captain last night he asked when I am arriving when I told him and asked if he was coming to pick me up he said No, his dad is going to. Ok is the monster coming? No is his response???? Are you kidding me, I haven't seen my child in over 3 weeks and he won't be at the airport??? Ok fine. Then he proceeds to tell me that I will be staying with his father??? I have met this man 2 x's in my life and spoken to him a handful of times and now I have to stay with his and his new wife and kids, wonderful!!!

The ex told me that the new girlfriend thought he wanted to get back together with me and told him that he could come back. WHAT????? Do I get a say in this??? BC if I do let me say unequivocally for the 1000th time that that will NEVER happen. This makes me think this chick is insecure and probably slightly crazy, wonderful!!

Some mistake my passion/irritation for still having feelings for him but in truth it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my son. How could I ever be with a person who never thinks of their child??? Once he left he was gone, no looking back, full speed a head with his life and be damned the child he left behind. Why would I want to be with that???? So when I get there I have to think of a nice way to tell the ex's new girlfriend that I think he is a piece of crap and I will never get back with him. That is of course if I meet her, which I would like to but only for selfish reasons, as I understand it they live in a pink trailer, and I would really really like a picture of this trailer.

Here's hoping this weekend goes well and I arrive back in MD on time with my child Sunday night...

Working mom...

It has been one of those days where I feel like I am being punished for being a working mom. I work about 30 miles from home and it should take me about 40 minutes to get there. However living in the DMV area it can take MUCH longer than that.

Today for no apparent reason it took me an hour and 20 minutes to get home. One leg of my trip is 20 miles on one highway. As I got onto the ramp to this road it was slow. I kept hoping it would let up but it didn't until 1. I was almost to the last leg of my journey and 2. It was already after 6pm when I am supposed to pick up my monster.

So why am I being punished? BC being late was more annoying today since I was supposed to be at at an orientation for my son's new school next year at 6pm. On a good day I get home at 5:50, how am I supposed to make it to a meeting at 6? So I finally get there close to 630. I start looking at the paperwork and see the next orientation times are in Aug on a Thursday or Friday at either 930 or 1???? Come on now!!! So I now have to take time off from work to go meet his teacher and get the info about his new school??? I am going to have to take a 1/2 day off to attend this one.

Its just frustrating trying to work it all out. I know that teachers do not want to either stay all day at school or leave and come back, I wish there was a happy medium for all. ARG! Such a frustrating day.

Hello...

My name is Betty and I am a criticizer.

At least according to my youngest brother as he so nicely informed me tonight as we were having a discussion. All bc I have a dissenting opinion and voice it I am the criticizer?

The conversation was about another family member, I was trying to get my bro's honest opinion and he said he doesn't want to criticize that is who I am. WTH??? I am concerned about this other family member and want to know if my thoughts are sane. Fine, at least I didn't say any of this to that family member as that would have been rude.

I think that the reason it pissed me off so much is bc when I was little my parents would leave me in charge but when I would tell my brothers not to do something or to do a chore or whatever and they would call me bossy. So my dad jumped on it and for years he called me bossy.

I probably over reacted by getting off the phone with him and slamming my phone down calling him a dickhead. I thought I hung up but my phone is stupid and it didn't hang up so he heard it. I feel bad that he heard me and should apologize but won't.

Why am I always the stand it?

I am tired of being a man's stand in until they find who they are looking for.

I met this guy online in Nov/Dec and I thought we hit it off and have similar personalities but today he emails me and tells me he is talking to someone else. ok fine, good luck with that. But the more I sat here the madder I got..WTH buddy he would only talk to me during work hours via email and only wanted to get together if he was going to get some. Instead of taking the high road I told him that. At one point he says "I really enjoy talking to ya and think ur a smart, funny, sexy girl...I don't know" Again WTH??? So I responded "you do know and its not me, good luck."

After all of this all I want is a big old glass of wine and a Hershey bar but 1. I am at work and 2. I gave up chocolate for lent, boo!!! And now my question to the universe: When am I going to meet a man who wants me for me and not a damn stand in?

Could I leave the Monster?

The answer to this question is a resounding Hell No!

I was catching up on my yahoo tonight when I came across this article:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-opposite-of-a-tiger-mother-leaving-your-children-behind-2460982/

The women in this article have given up being full time mom's and decided to go "find themselves" or "be there person they could have been at 20" WTH is that???? That is a load of horse shit!!! This goes for both mom's and dad's. How can you decide that you no longer want to be a parent, shouldn't you think about this before you either knock someone up or spread your legs? I mean come on now people.

I know parenting is hard, believe me I know! Its hard as part of a parenting unit and its hard by yourself. But you have 9 months to think about what you want to do before the child is born why do that to a kid or kids? I cannot imagine that the line in the article about the parents being closer to kids farther away is true, not for the children. Children need their parents, both of them!

The reason my ex is referred to as Captain Jackass doesn't have anything to do with his cheating but entirely over his horrible treatment of the monster since we split. There are some things I find unforgivable and truthfully cheating isn't necessarily on top of that list. Its all about children. It drives me nuts when people say they don't have time or money for their children but make tons of time for their personal desires ie. nights out with friends, pampering themselves, buying new electronics, ect. My ex once bought a new stereo for his car but couldn't give me child support and when I pointed this out he said it was only $50, well that was $50 I could have used for new clothes or food or gas to drive the child everywhere. He decided around the time of my sons 5th birthday that is was better for them not to see each other. What is that about??? I was so mad. I think it had to do with his mistress not liking the fact that he had a child. I cannot figure out why anyone would chose not to see their child???

I know I complain about the monster and his attitude and that I like a break every now and then but I do not ever want a permanent break from him, he is mi vida. Some day I will be able to look back at these posts and those on his blog and regale his future family of stories of a husband, father, uncle becoming a man and testing his boundaries. How can anyone decide to walk away from a life they helped create and mold for a time period. (I am not talking about adoption where a person decides to give up a child to a better life then they can provide, to make that difficult decision I applaud a person).

To protest or not to protest?

I am the type of person who stands up for what I believe in, there is a charity in the neighborhood I grew up in that does good work but when they moved in were not nice to the neighborhood so I don't give them money, I find other places to help. I don't shop at one specific store if I can avoid it bc of the way the company treats their employees.

These are personal choices I have made and try to stick by them. I can shop elsewhere and spend a bit more at another store, I can donate to other organizations that do the same thing in the community other than the one that I find to be rude.

Now the question becomes should I boycott every organization that doesn't share the same beliefs as I do? So should I stop shopping at my favorite store bc they gave a candidate money who has taken an opposing side than I on one issue? Should I not go to the fast food place down the street bc they gave free food to an organization that I don't agree with? Where would it end? Not everyone is going to agree with what I believe, hell my parents and I argue all the time about certain issues, should I boycott them? Isn't that what made this country what it is today...freedom. So maybe I don't donate to the companies charities that I don't like but should I stop going to them all together?

I am conflicted over this and am not sure which way I feel is right to go...

Funny job stuff

So I know I have only been at my current job for 3 months so I shouldn't be looking already but I decided to take a look at some jobs that are closer to my house and came across an Admin job so I was looking at the requirements. And this is the last part:

Important Steps:
1. Prior to sending cover letter and Resume, please visit the rest of our website to learn more about our organization (including our name) and the important work we accomplish.
2. Prepare a cover letter addressing our requirements and your related skills. This letter should be a demonstration of your writing skills (organization, grammer, spelling, ect.).
3. Confirm your objective matches the job description.
4. Finally please send your cover letter and resume to...


Of the three job postings on this site 2 of the 3 had some form of this at the end. I guess those who apply to be a software developer position already know to check the name of the company before applying for a job...

To do list for the house:

1. Buy power strips for the living room

2. Buy extra curtain panel for the living room

3. Hang new art in my room.

4. Buy new darker curtains for my room.

5. Buy new toilet seat, maybe go decorative for this????

6. Buy shelf sets for my room

7. Buy shelf/wall decor for living room.

8. Get an extra filing bin with folders.

9. Buy a glass measuring cup.

10. Switch out posters in the monsters room.

So far 1-3 are completed :) I plan to buy the new stuff I want/need a little at a time.

I have rearranged the furniture in both my room and the living room but never thought about the redecorating part when I did the rearrange and now I am looking around at the empty walls and have to do something. Which then brings me to the rest of the house and redoing it slowly. So wish me luck...

Loneliness attracts the oddest people...

Sat night I was home alone and a little bummed bc yet again I thought I was going out on a date and again was left hanging...so I got online to the dating site I have been frequenting as of late and met a guy. It was super late but we were chatting and we decided to meet up for a bit. He told me that he was renting a room in this area but his daughter was living in southern MD with his parents and her mom is completely out of the picture. Turns out he is living in a half way house to which he told me he prefers living in a sober house but can leave at any time. I wonder if this is true, I could do some internet research but I don't care enough.

So... I thought I could let that go bc he was a nice enough guy until Sunday when he knew I was at church and still decided to call me 5 times between 9 and noon. What is that about. Luckily I didn't have my phone on me for those calls or I might have gone off then. Instead we spoke with I got home and then I got off the phone to take care of my child. After I was done parenting I fell asleep which was a big mistake bc he called me 5 or 6 times and left 3 messages!!! I finally answered the phone and let him know that he the amount of calls were ridiculous! I thought I got through to him but then Monday he called 3 times while I was at work.

Tuesday night was the final straw when he called 4 times in 6 minutes and left a message saying "hey its me, call me when you get this or I will just call you again" and he did!!! So I picked up and told him I was busy which I was. He called today to apologize and said he went to a meeting and spoke about his behavior and was going to another one tonight. Well la-ti-da. I don't care. I have and off switch and he clicked it about 15 phone calls ago...So hopefully he got the hint and will leave me alone.

Now what did I learn from all of this...no more late night websites! and I a break is needed from this online stuff bc what does it bring...a guy who decides I am not affectionate enough, a player type who's voice doesn't match his extra large stature, and then the stalker...just wow...

Introducing Sandy....

The week before Thanksgiving I took my car in for routine service or what I thought was going to be routine service only to find out that my car had a coolant leak and the service guys wouldn't let me take it home bc it was dangerous to drive. boo. So I had to make a decision about Mel and what I wanted to do. If I wanted to pay in excess of $2500 dollars on a 7 year old car with 126K miles or look into a new vehicle. After tearing up at work when the service guy called me I had to get my head around possibly letting go of my car. My first car, the car I bought on my own and the car that I put all the miles on myself.

In the end I decided the deal the dealership was offering me was too good to pass up so I decided to get a new to me vehicle. I am happy with the new jeep which is what I wanted when I got my PT and the monster loves the jeep. It has drop down speakers in the back which would be great for tailgating if we ever go tailgating. He also likes that he is able to pull down hatch for the trunk which he couldn't reach on the PT.

Although it hasn't felt real to me that I have this new car yet??? I still see PT's on the road and think to myself there's another one but I am not driving one :( Then the other day I was sandwiched by red cars and thought about my PT bc it was red and how it would be nice if I had it bc then all the cars would be red.

So here I am introducing the new jeep and am hoping that now it feels real...

Happy New Year...

It is the start of the new year which means reminiscing about last year and thinking ahead to the coming year. So here are my thoughts.

Last year was a year, nothing really special happened last year for me. Thinking of last year I wonder where did it all go? It went by so fast and I have nothing to show for it, its kind of sad. Which leads me to hoping that next year is a better year and that I have something to show for it.

I had wanted to go back to school for fall but that didn't happen bc my work situation wasn't stable. I have started a new job so maybe this year I will be able to plan to go back to school or at least have a better plan for getting back to school.

So for this year my plan is to get back to the gym to lose this extra weight I have started carrying around and to plan better for my future which includes not only school and retirement bc with the way this economy is looking I think I need to start taking better care of my financial and professional well being....

So how about everyone else, what are you thinking about for this year?