I had the brilliant notion that dating a guy from my hometown would be a good idea. Now why I went back on the deal I made with myself at 15, I have no idea. I decided at 15 that I would no longer date guys from my high school/home town (they are now interchangeable) bc of the drama that came with it. And yet I knew when I flagged him down at an event what might happen. I wanted to see what would happen well I saw and I came out short, again!!
I am frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to be treated poorly most of the time bc every now and then I was treated well. Its a stupid girl thing, I know this, I also know that I am smarter than this but that doesn't stop me from going into the situation. I am frustrated bc I jumped and really wanted this to go well and wound up breaking my own golden rule; I introduced dude man to my son. I NEVER do that!! I do not want my son to have men in and out of his life, I do not want him to see me going through guys, I do not want him to see me as an emotional mess. Even if I do go through men and am an emotional mess, that is not for him to see. He has to see me as a strong role model. He has to know that there is a way to treat a lady, how can I teach him that when I allow myself to be treated poorly. BTW, my son HATED him!!! Not only did dude man touch my son's hair and call it sexy but also slapped his own son. 1. Why would you tell a 10 year old they are sexy??? 2. Why touch someone you just met? Ok admittedly this might just be a thing my son and I don't like but still. But the thing that pissed my son off the most was the way dude man disciplined his son.
The shin splints started when I finally got the courage to ask the question to which the answer I knew but didn't want to hear. I asked why he kept standing me up and get the standard I don't know, I am sorry, I'm an ass. What was I supposed to do with that except learn where I stood? And yet I didn't give up on him right away, I called him in hopes that we could get on the same page. After he said all the right things, I thought we were on that same page. When will I learn? It started to feel as if he only called me when he was horny. But as I always have my son I cannot get a sitter at the drop of a dime so I felt he was disappointed or upset when I couldn't make it happen. Now maybe I am incorrect in this but I don't think I will ever know bc he is not an expressive person and I do not care enough to call and try to find out.
So as I end this post with my shin splits and frustration with this situation; I must tell you that I have not given up on finding someone but I think its time to do some internal work and see why I keep making the same choices while expecting different outcomes. I will leave you with a verse of a song that keeps running through my head as well as another full song that is running on a loop in my head right now.
Vs the Earth--Psycho.
What could you possibly expect out of me
When you know I only want one thing
Still you let me get it
And then you cry about being alone
When you know I only want one thing
Still you let me get it
And then you cry about being alone
Reba--Consider me gone
Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...
[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.
How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...
[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
And when I need an explanation for the silence, you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here...
[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean. There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye.
How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me...
[Chorus:]
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
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