Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Mom life

I cannot imagine my life without my son but man some days I hate mom life. I hate all the fighting, I hate having to be the bad guy all the time, I hate have to micro manage him but most of all I hate that he is growing up. I was never one of those people who wanted to be a mom or dreamed of being a mom, that might be bc I had my son when I was 17 so I didn't have much time to dream about being a mom. But ever since I had him he has been my life. I have tried to be there for him, I have tried to be a active mother, meeting his teachers, being a team mom when he played ball, taking him to different skate parks when he was into that, and getting involved with the music department in his high school. I want to make sure that he knows that I am supporting him dreams. I want him to know that I will be there for him. Ever since high school started for him I have been dreading him graduating and moving away. I don't know why this has been so stressful for me. Its the natural progression of life, you grow up graduate and start life as an adult. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that my whole adult life has been being his mom, there was no time before for me to be an adult on my own so as he has grown so have I. Where will I be once he has graduated and moved out. Will I still be known as his mom? I know I will always be his mom and always be a mom but him graduating feels like a big part of my life is coming to an end, am I ready for this?

This might be why I think about having another child, since I still can and then that would delay me having to be an adult on my own for another 18 years. holy cow batman, this realization just came to me as I am typing this entry out.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Holiday Season Blues

The holiday season is upon us. I am typically quite excited about the holiday's and all that entails but this year something is off with my Christmas spirit and I cannot seem to get it on track.

I did decorate for Halloween/Fall on Sept 1st or as close to that as a weekend would allow.
Then I switched to only fall on Nov 1st. But its Dec 4th and I haven't done anything at home for the house. I do have a lot of my Christmas gifts bought and sort of organized. My office is also decorated and I have attended Holiday craft fairs, take a holiday photo with my mom, and attended a holiday festival. And yet I still feel blah.

I was just telling people around me that this holiday season feels different, people seem meaner and more cranky than usual but maybe it's me not letting it roll of my back like I would other times.

So what are some tricks people use to get out of this December funk? I am just over this month already and I normally love it. Sad this year.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Struggle is real...

And I don't know why I am struggling so much. I just feel like crap all the time. I can't seem to shake the feeling EVER. I am forcing myself to carry on with my over booked schedule bc that is what I think I should be doing when in reality all I want to do is lay around my house. I want to watch movies, read books or magazines, and eat crappy food. It kills me to be out of the house and with people, I want to be at home alone mostly. But then I know I will regret hiding away in the house which will only make me feel worse so I force myself out of the house.
Working out is supposed to make you feel better bc it gets the natural hormones flowing, I think my body is broken, there is very little time when I am at the gym that I am not feeling like crap. I go bc as I am feeling like crap I am also taking more liberties with my diet so I have to attempt to work out more but I also know that the saying, you cannot out train a poor diet is so very true for me. I know I need to eat healthy all the time but all I want is to eat junk and to drink wine, both of which are just empty calories.
I figure I need to go talk to someone and see what they suggest bc this is taking it's toll on my family. I am getting what I need to get done in other aspects of my life, work isn't perfect but I am getting things done. Church isn't perfect but I am getting things done. I am getting to the gym. I am meeting most of my commitments. but when I am home I know I am more testy than I should be. I know that I am not getting things done around the house like cooking or cleaning heck even grocery shopping is taking a backseat to doing nothing. sitting and watching movies or even napping.
Today the struggle is so real but yet I am going to get up shower visit a friends home and then head over to meet up with a friend before heading home for a evening of hopefully nothing to do.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What I should have said....

So my son is set to graduate next year and the senior year stuff has already started, senior ring already purchased and he has, portrait appointment is set, graduation has been discussed. We have learned that each student only gets 6 tickets to graduation, my son told me he wants those tickets to go to his 3 grandparents, a great aunt (who was instrumental in getting him to school for a number of years) me and my live in BF (who I have been with for 5 years now and will be 6 by the time graduation rolls around). This leaves his father out. So we told his dads mom today of the plans and possible issue with tickets and I called his father to let him know. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: hello, is everything alright (I don't call very often, if I can help it)
Me: yea fine, did you listen to my voicemail
Him: no
Me: ok well were you planning to come next year for the kids graduation bc we learned that each student only gets a certain amount of tickets so there might not be enough
Him: he's my son I already told my wife I will be there
Me: well I am not sure there will be enough tickets
Him: who is going
Me: the grandparents, great aunt, myself and the BF, the man who has been living with us for 5 years
him: he's my son I am going (getting upset and rather rude in tone)
me: you don't have to talk to me like that, I am trying to have a conversation with you
him: well this is how you used to talk to me all the time
Me: fine, as soon as you show me proof that you are coming I will see if I can get you an extra ticket
Him: he's my son I get to be there.

Not sure how we ended the conversation but this was the gist of the fun conversation I had tonight. So let me tell you that I had a conversation with the kid and he doesn't want his father there, he listed all other family members who he would get tickets for over his father. I am not sure my child will tell his father this so I didn't think I should get nasty but as I still here stewing over the stupidity of this I feel there is more I should have said.

I should have pointed out that the person calling himself a father hasn't seen my son in 3 plus years as of now and by graduation it will be closer to 5 years so why does he feel he gets a ticket? I should have pointed out that I haven't gotten rude with him in a long time, I have grown up and gotten over our stuff so he needs to grow up as well and get over himself so that we can talk rationally.

Lastly I should have told him that once he can prove to me that he has a plane ticket and will be here the day of graduation is when I will work on getting him a ticket. Now I figure I will wind up telling him this but I will wait until I have the graduation date. I had spoke to the BF and he is willing to give up his ticket to the person calling himself my son's father but I am not sure that he should, the BF has been living with us for the past 5 years, he is the one who has gone to the kids baseball games and drum shows, he is the one who picked up the slack when the person calling himself a father stopped paying child support bc a new job didn't take it out of his check. I guess it was too difficult to write a check and mail it in himself to make sure that his fatherly duties were taken care of. Oh but he is the father. What the hell ever buddy. You may be a great step-father but you are a slacker when it comes to you biological child and you can kiss my lily white butt if I am going to help you when you act like a fool. I am done being nice and trying to help him have a relationship with my son. He can figure that out all on his own since he seems to think that weekly calls make a father. not so much buddy, not so much.

I can see the next year leading up to graduation is going to bring the drama back into my life and I was pretty excited that things were going well. This male had become a non issue to my life and now all of a sudden he is going to be a big headache. I will update when there is more. Fun times ahead for me.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Taking the High Road

Tonight I came across the above Kermit meme. I saved it to my phone but did not repost on social media, I took the high road, again.
Its been 10 years of the high road and I am tired. I am in tears over here for my child bc I hate seeing him pushed aside. I think its hitting me harder this month bc this month my son turned 15 and his dad couldn't even send a card on time. It was almost 2 weeks late. This is after 6 + months of no child support, you'd think he had saved up enough money to send his kid a card after 6 months of not supporting him any other way.
In my head I have started thinking of him as my sons bio dad, no longer a father bc before I could say at least he paid his child support but now that he isnt paying or making any effort to fix the payments I have lost all kind of respect for him. However as my child still sees him as his father I cannot start referring to him as bio dad out loud.
I am so frustrated right now that I cannot get his father to care, I cannot get the child support system to help me make him pay, I am frustrated with the high road.
I know the high road will pay off in the end. I know that I have slipped up some when something has come up with the kid, I had to break down and tell my son about the lack of child support as we had to cut back. When the kid tried to feel bad for his father, I told him my feelings on choices as in his father has made some bad choices that have lead him to where he is and that is on him, not my son. I do my best not to harp and to take the the high road but some days its hard and today is a hard day.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Saying goodbye to A Fur Baby

A Boy and his cat....

Last night our just turned 12 year old boy cat passed away very unexpectedly. Spot choose my son from the moment we brought him home. Spot was M's constant companion preferring M to all other humans. If Spot and I were cuddled up on the couch but M came into the living room Spot quickly jumped off of me and went straight to M.




When I was looking for a cat, I wanted one and fell for Spot right away but Spot had a litter mate/sister that he had paired with so we wound up with 2 kittens, Spot our boy and Blanca our girl. The first night we had them M was 2 and Blanca had gotten herself caught up in M's soccer net. Well Spot jumped up on my bed, which sat at least 3.5' off the ground and he was a tiny kitty, to wake up me and M's dad to help her. We were able to get her untangled and the net saved all without waking up the kid. This led to the cats sleeping in the bathroom for probably close to a year. 

The one on the right has a small spot between his ears which is where Spot got his name. Then his fur grew out so much he became spotless.

When I finally agreed that they could sleep somewhere other than the bathroom, Spot quickly decided M's bed was the place to be. Spot and M would fight over M's pillow until finally M gave up Spot got the pillow and M used Spot as a pillow. Spot always preferred to sleep with M or at least in M's room. 

Spot was a very friendly cat especially if you had black on, he loved to wrap his tail around black pants and leave his mark. He adapted to the 4 homes he has lived in with much grace and very little adjustment time. As long as he had his boy he was happy. The latest change came about 6 months ago when we rescued a kitten and brought her into our home. Spot adjusted well to the kitten.  I saw a renewed energy in him and Blanca, there were times when they would both let the kitten inside of them out to play. But they were also good at teaching the kitten how to relax. 

He was a licker and a kneeder and a cuddler. He will be greatly missed in our house as it's only been a few short hours and I can definitely feel a difference in the air here without his presence. 

Halloween 2008, he was not impressed

 The 2 of them in costume

 He was so furry, he got clumpy and had to get shaved, this was the end result. He HATED being shaved.

Spot did like all people and since M wasn't on a piece of furniture he would sleep with B.

 This is how Spot was with me, on his back kicking me for attention, which he almost always got. 

RIP Spot May 2003- May 2015. We love and will miss you.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ugly weekend

I must be having a very ugly weekend bc I have had three comments this weekend that were quite the kick in the gut.

Saturday at target the lady in line behind me says: "did you get all the sun today?"
Me: "oh does it look that bad"
Lady: studdering "oh well it will probably be better tomorrow"
Me: "yep its bad, yes all today, and no I'll look like this tomorrow too"

Today volunteering at the football game for the kids band association I am checking my phone as we are cleaning up. The stand manager who is not associated with the organization I was with but with the stadium sees my background photo and says : "oh is that your boyfriend let me see the picture"
I show her the photo.
Stand manager: "oh look how cute you look I couldn't tell with the hat on"
Me: ...
Stand manager leaves
Me : "did that just happen?"

So then I get home and the kid asks "did you wear that all day?"
Can't a girl catch a break???

Hopefully next weekend is a better looking weekend for me.