Thursday, May 10, 2018

I am the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding

This year has been a difficult one for me. I have had this funk around me. I try to push through and I make myself go out and do things even when I HATE being out and with people. Becoming one with my couch has been much more enjoyable lately, not even pigging out just zoning out and watching netflix or some other TV shows. I think tonight I put a finger on what has been bugging me. I am so sad that my son is growing up and leaving me. In my head I can see the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when he starts to whine, "why do you want to leave me" and I can totally understand that feeling.

Tonight we went to the band banquet, I drove myself and the kid came separately with his GF. Tomorrow we are all going to a baseball game. He asked for his and hers tickets tonight so they can drive together and I had to ask him if we could ride together. I even said I would ride with him, I don't need to drive, but I had to ask. IDK why this makes me want to cry but it surely does. That is when it hit me, this is going to be my life with him from now on.

He is going to continue to grow and become more independent and I am going to be on the sidelines. I know I have been on the sidelines for a while but now that he is driving and has a job my sideline position is growing and I am sad.

I was never a person to cry at life events, aside from funerals, but at happy events I don't cry at bc they are happy events and I don't want to cry during happy times. However at this moment when the child is moving on and growing up all I want to do is cry and bury my head in the sand. I have his senior pictures but have not been able to give them out. I have told people when his graduation party is but I have been unable to put out the official invite for this event. I am struggling and I think it's bc if I give out the pictures or officially plan the party it makes his growing up real and I am not ready.

Question: Why is he leaving me???
Answer: Because it's time and that is what happens when people grow up.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

How do you change the way you are seen to others?

This past week there have been two comments about the fact that I was a teen mom. The first was really quite rude and the guy who made apologized immediately for it bc he knew he had gone to far. But it got me thinking that really after all these years my life is not defined by being a mom but being a teen mom. Then today my mom and I were discussing my brother. I was expressing my opinion that he is 31 and needs to grow up and take care of his stuff instead of dropping it on my parents like he is doing right now. She then says well you made a bad decision when you were 17. WOW nothing I ever do will be good or get her approval bc when I was 17 I got pregnant. Now mind you the brother who we were discussing got himself into trouble in hs too, he got expelled for a time, it was over turned but he too got into trouble. Does she bring this up with him? Does she hold things over his head? Nope she continues to clean up his messes and if I mention it she throws it in my face that I had my son as a teen.

And I let her get to me. As I am typing this, I have tears streaming down my face. I am not saying that for someone to tell me it is ok and the my mom is horrible. I am saying it to show that her opinion affects me and her words still have a way to cut me like a knife. For fuck sake the kid is about to graduate from HS he has a job and has a plan for his future but bc I had him when I was 17 he is tainted???

So let's look at what I have accomplished since I was 17. The last few months of my 17th year went as follows:
June: graduate high school
September: give birth
November: get married
January: start college

I took classes for 5 1/2 years to graduate. I also worked 30-35 hours a week and worked 5-6 days a week. I didn't take the easy way out. I worked. I have been paying my own bills since I got married.

I graduated from college a year after my ex left. I did have to work with a professor on a class a bit bc of the divorce but otherwise there was no delay in my studies, in fact I was able to graduate a semester before I thought I'd be able to. I worked my butt off. Yes my parents watched my son for me and paid for my degree (which they paid for both of my brothers to go to school too). The condition to watch my son was it had to be for school or work, they didn't watch him for me to go out and party. In fact I didn't go to a bar until I was 22 and with friends while my brother watched my son for me. My son was always my priority.

I was able to purchase a house when I was 31. My mother offered help with the down payment or rent at my last place but I declined I purchased this house on my terms.

My son may not have had everything he wanted and things were a struggle sometimes but I did have great family support. I had support from both my family, my son's family and the friends that have become family. And now I get support for my BF's family. I know that I am lucky that I have been able to accomplish what I have accomplished and that I wouldn't be here without the support of those around me.

But DAMN it was also me. It was also me that was going to school and working, sometimes 2 jobs, to help put food on the table. It was me that volunteered to be a team mom when the kid played baseball, it was me at his practices and games. It was me who drove to Delaware every weekend for a month to see him perform with the indoor drum line. It was me that volunteered with the band parents association and fundraisers for the band. This is all me, I did that.

So why does it matter anymore that I had him when I was young? Why have we not moved past this? How do I redefine myself as just a mom and not a teen mom? Why do I feel the need to qualify my accomplishments with an asterisk since I started younger than others and had help? I mean really haven't most people received help at one point in their lives or another?

I am not posting this for attention or to hear nice things about me, I am posting it as a reminder to myself that just bc I started young doesn't negate everything else I have done. My son is healthy and happy and about to graduate high school and I did that.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Mom life

I cannot imagine my life without my son but man some days I hate mom life. I hate all the fighting, I hate having to be the bad guy all the time, I hate have to micro manage him but most of all I hate that he is growing up. I was never one of those people who wanted to be a mom or dreamed of being a mom, that might be bc I had my son when I was 17 so I didn't have much time to dream about being a mom. But ever since I had him he has been my life. I have tried to be there for him, I have tried to be a active mother, meeting his teachers, being a team mom when he played ball, taking him to different skate parks when he was into that, and getting involved with the music department in his high school. I want to make sure that he knows that I am supporting him dreams. I want him to know that I will be there for him. Ever since high school started for him I have been dreading him graduating and moving away. I don't know why this has been so stressful for me. Its the natural progression of life, you grow up graduate and start life as an adult. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that my whole adult life has been being his mom, there was no time before for me to be an adult on my own so as he has grown so have I. Where will I be once he has graduated and moved out. Will I still be known as his mom? I know I will always be his mom and always be a mom but him graduating feels like a big part of my life is coming to an end, am I ready for this?

This might be why I think about having another child, since I still can and then that would delay me having to be an adult on my own for another 18 years. holy cow batman, this realization just came to me as I am typing this entry out.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Holiday Season Blues

The holiday season is upon us. I am typically quite excited about the holiday's and all that entails but this year something is off with my Christmas spirit and I cannot seem to get it on track.

I did decorate for Halloween/Fall on Sept 1st or as close to that as a weekend would allow.
Then I switched to only fall on Nov 1st. But its Dec 4th and I haven't done anything at home for the house. I do have a lot of my Christmas gifts bought and sort of organized. My office is also decorated and I have attended Holiday craft fairs, take a holiday photo with my mom, and attended a holiday festival. And yet I still feel blah.

I was just telling people around me that this holiday season feels different, people seem meaner and more cranky than usual but maybe it's me not letting it roll of my back like I would other times.

So what are some tricks people use to get out of this December funk? I am just over this month already and I normally love it. Sad this year.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Struggle is real...

And I don't know why I am struggling so much. I just feel like crap all the time. I can't seem to shake the feeling EVER. I am forcing myself to carry on with my over booked schedule bc that is what I think I should be doing when in reality all I want to do is lay around my house. I want to watch movies, read books or magazines, and eat crappy food. It kills me to be out of the house and with people, I want to be at home alone mostly. But then I know I will regret hiding away in the house which will only make me feel worse so I force myself out of the house.
Working out is supposed to make you feel better bc it gets the natural hormones flowing, I think my body is broken, there is very little time when I am at the gym that I am not feeling like crap. I go bc as I am feeling like crap I am also taking more liberties with my diet so I have to attempt to work out more but I also know that the saying, you cannot out train a poor diet is so very true for me. I know I need to eat healthy all the time but all I want is to eat junk and to drink wine, both of which are just empty calories.
I figure I need to go talk to someone and see what they suggest bc this is taking it's toll on my family. I am getting what I need to get done in other aspects of my life, work isn't perfect but I am getting things done. Church isn't perfect but I am getting things done. I am getting to the gym. I am meeting most of my commitments. but when I am home I know I am more testy than I should be. I know that I am not getting things done around the house like cooking or cleaning heck even grocery shopping is taking a backseat to doing nothing. sitting and watching movies or even napping.
Today the struggle is so real but yet I am going to get up shower visit a friends home and then head over to meet up with a friend before heading home for a evening of hopefully nothing to do.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What I should have said....

So my son is set to graduate next year and the senior year stuff has already started, senior ring already purchased and he has, portrait appointment is set, graduation has been discussed. We have learned that each student only gets 6 tickets to graduation, my son told me he wants those tickets to go to his 3 grandparents, a great aunt (who was instrumental in getting him to school for a number of years) me and my live in BF (who I have been with for 5 years now and will be 6 by the time graduation rolls around). This leaves his father out. So we told his dads mom today of the plans and possible issue with tickets and I called his father to let him know. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: hello, is everything alright (I don't call very often, if I can help it)
Me: yea fine, did you listen to my voicemail
Him: no
Me: ok well were you planning to come next year for the kids graduation bc we learned that each student only gets a certain amount of tickets so there might not be enough
Him: he's my son I already told my wife I will be there
Me: well I am not sure there will be enough tickets
Him: who is going
Me: the grandparents, great aunt, myself and the BF, the man who has been living with us for 5 years
him: he's my son I am going (getting upset and rather rude in tone)
me: you don't have to talk to me like that, I am trying to have a conversation with you
him: well this is how you used to talk to me all the time
Me: fine, as soon as you show me proof that you are coming I will see if I can get you an extra ticket
Him: he's my son I get to be there.

Not sure how we ended the conversation but this was the gist of the fun conversation I had tonight. So let me tell you that I had a conversation with the kid and he doesn't want his father there, he listed all other family members who he would get tickets for over his father. I am not sure my child will tell his father this so I didn't think I should get nasty but as I still here stewing over the stupidity of this I feel there is more I should have said.

I should have pointed out that the person calling himself a father hasn't seen my son in 3 plus years as of now and by graduation it will be closer to 5 years so why does he feel he gets a ticket? I should have pointed out that I haven't gotten rude with him in a long time, I have grown up and gotten over our stuff so he needs to grow up as well and get over himself so that we can talk rationally.

Lastly I should have told him that once he can prove to me that he has a plane ticket and will be here the day of graduation is when I will work on getting him a ticket. Now I figure I will wind up telling him this but I will wait until I have the graduation date. I had spoke to the BF and he is willing to give up his ticket to the person calling himself my son's father but I am not sure that he should, the BF has been living with us for the past 5 years, he is the one who has gone to the kids baseball games and drum shows, he is the one who picked up the slack when the person calling himself a father stopped paying child support bc a new job didn't take it out of his check. I guess it was too difficult to write a check and mail it in himself to make sure that his fatherly duties were taken care of. Oh but he is the father. What the hell ever buddy. You may be a great step-father but you are a slacker when it comes to you biological child and you can kiss my lily white butt if I am going to help you when you act like a fool. I am done being nice and trying to help him have a relationship with my son. He can figure that out all on his own since he seems to think that weekly calls make a father. not so much buddy, not so much.

I can see the next year leading up to graduation is going to bring the drama back into my life and I was pretty excited that things were going well. This male had become a non issue to my life and now all of a sudden he is going to be a big headache. I will update when there is more. Fun times ahead for me.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Taking the High Road

Tonight I came across the above Kermit meme. I saved it to my phone but did not repost on social media, I took the high road, again.
Its been 10 years of the high road and I am tired. I am in tears over here for my child bc I hate seeing him pushed aside. I think its hitting me harder this month bc this month my son turned 15 and his dad couldn't even send a card on time. It was almost 2 weeks late. This is after 6 + months of no child support, you'd think he had saved up enough money to send his kid a card after 6 months of not supporting him any other way.
In my head I have started thinking of him as my sons bio dad, no longer a father bc before I could say at least he paid his child support but now that he isnt paying or making any effort to fix the payments I have lost all kind of respect for him. However as my child still sees him as his father I cannot start referring to him as bio dad out loud.
I am so frustrated right now that I cannot get his father to care, I cannot get the child support system to help me make him pay, I am frustrated with the high road.
I know the high road will pay off in the end. I know that I have slipped up some when something has come up with the kid, I had to break down and tell my son about the lack of child support as we had to cut back. When the kid tried to feel bad for his father, I told him my feelings on choices as in his father has made some bad choices that have lead him to where he is and that is on him, not my son. I do my best not to harp and to take the the high road but some days its hard and today is a hard day.