Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Struggle is real...

And I don't know why I am struggling so much. I just feel like crap all the time. I can't seem to shake the feeling EVER. I am forcing myself to carry on with my over booked schedule bc that is what I think I should be doing when in reality all I want to do is lay around my house. I want to watch movies, read books or magazines, and eat crappy food. It kills me to be out of the house and with people, I want to be at home alone mostly. But then I know I will regret hiding away in the house which will only make me feel worse so I force myself out of the house.
Working out is supposed to make you feel better bc it gets the natural hormones flowing, I think my body is broken, there is very little time when I am at the gym that I am not feeling like crap. I go bc as I am feeling like crap I am also taking more liberties with my diet so I have to attempt to work out more but I also know that the saying, you cannot out train a poor diet is so very true for me. I know I need to eat healthy all the time but all I want is to eat junk and to drink wine, both of which are just empty calories.
I figure I need to go talk to someone and see what they suggest bc this is taking it's toll on my family. I am getting what I need to get done in other aspects of my life, work isn't perfect but I am getting things done. Church isn't perfect but I am getting things done. I am getting to the gym. I am meeting most of my commitments. but when I am home I know I am more testy than I should be. I know that I am not getting things done around the house like cooking or cleaning heck even grocery shopping is taking a backseat to doing nothing. sitting and watching movies or even napping.
Today the struggle is so real but yet I am going to get up shower visit a friends home and then head over to meet up with a friend before heading home for a evening of hopefully nothing to do.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What I should have said....

So my son is set to graduate next year and the senior year stuff has already started, senior ring already purchased and he has, portrait appointment is set, graduation has been discussed. We have learned that each student only gets 6 tickets to graduation, my son told me he wants those tickets to go to his 3 grandparents, a great aunt (who was instrumental in getting him to school for a number of years) me and my live in BF (who I have been with for 5 years now and will be 6 by the time graduation rolls around). This leaves his father out. So we told his dads mom today of the plans and possible issue with tickets and I called his father to let him know. Here is how the conversation went:

Him: hello, is everything alright (I don't call very often, if I can help it)
Me: yea fine, did you listen to my voicemail
Him: no
Me: ok well were you planning to come next year for the kids graduation bc we learned that each student only gets a certain amount of tickets so there might not be enough
Him: he's my son I already told my wife I will be there
Me: well I am not sure there will be enough tickets
Him: who is going
Me: the grandparents, great aunt, myself and the BF, the man who has been living with us for 5 years
him: he's my son I am going (getting upset and rather rude in tone)
me: you don't have to talk to me like that, I am trying to have a conversation with you
him: well this is how you used to talk to me all the time
Me: fine, as soon as you show me proof that you are coming I will see if I can get you an extra ticket
Him: he's my son I get to be there.

Not sure how we ended the conversation but this was the gist of the fun conversation I had tonight. So let me tell you that I had a conversation with the kid and he doesn't want his father there, he listed all other family members who he would get tickets for over his father. I am not sure my child will tell his father this so I didn't think I should get nasty but as I still here stewing over the stupidity of this I feel there is more I should have said.

I should have pointed out that the person calling himself a father hasn't seen my son in 3 plus years as of now and by graduation it will be closer to 5 years so why does he feel he gets a ticket? I should have pointed out that I haven't gotten rude with him in a long time, I have grown up and gotten over our stuff so he needs to grow up as well and get over himself so that we can talk rationally.

Lastly I should have told him that once he can prove to me that he has a plane ticket and will be here the day of graduation is when I will work on getting him a ticket. Now I figure I will wind up telling him this but I will wait until I have the graduation date. I had spoke to the BF and he is willing to give up his ticket to the person calling himself my son's father but I am not sure that he should, the BF has been living with us for the past 5 years, he is the one who has gone to the kids baseball games and drum shows, he is the one who picked up the slack when the person calling himself a father stopped paying child support bc a new job didn't take it out of his check. I guess it was too difficult to write a check and mail it in himself to make sure that his fatherly duties were taken care of. Oh but he is the father. What the hell ever buddy. You may be a great step-father but you are a slacker when it comes to you biological child and you can kiss my lily white butt if I am going to help you when you act like a fool. I am done being nice and trying to help him have a relationship with my son. He can figure that out all on his own since he seems to think that weekly calls make a father. not so much buddy, not so much.

I can see the next year leading up to graduation is going to bring the drama back into my life and I was pretty excited that things were going well. This male had become a non issue to my life and now all of a sudden he is going to be a big headache. I will update when there is more. Fun times ahead for me.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Taking the High Road

Tonight I came across the above Kermit meme. I saved it to my phone but did not repost on social media, I took the high road, again.
Its been 10 years of the high road and I am tired. I am in tears over here for my child bc I hate seeing him pushed aside. I think its hitting me harder this month bc this month my son turned 15 and his dad couldn't even send a card on time. It was almost 2 weeks late. This is after 6 + months of no child support, you'd think he had saved up enough money to send his kid a card after 6 months of not supporting him any other way.
In my head I have started thinking of him as my sons bio dad, no longer a father bc before I could say at least he paid his child support but now that he isnt paying or making any effort to fix the payments I have lost all kind of respect for him. However as my child still sees him as his father I cannot start referring to him as bio dad out loud.
I am so frustrated right now that I cannot get his father to care, I cannot get the child support system to help me make him pay, I am frustrated with the high road.
I know the high road will pay off in the end. I know that I have slipped up some when something has come up with the kid, I had to break down and tell my son about the lack of child support as we had to cut back. When the kid tried to feel bad for his father, I told him my feelings on choices as in his father has made some bad choices that have lead him to where he is and that is on him, not my son. I do my best not to harp and to take the the high road but some days its hard and today is a hard day.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Saying goodbye to A Fur Baby

A Boy and his cat....

Last night our just turned 12 year old boy cat passed away very unexpectedly. Spot choose my son from the moment we brought him home. Spot was M's constant companion preferring M to all other humans. If Spot and I were cuddled up on the couch but M came into the living room Spot quickly jumped off of me and went straight to M.




When I was looking for a cat, I wanted one and fell for Spot right away but Spot had a litter mate/sister that he had paired with so we wound up with 2 kittens, Spot our boy and Blanca our girl. The first night we had them M was 2 and Blanca had gotten herself caught up in M's soccer net. Well Spot jumped up on my bed, which sat at least 3.5' off the ground and he was a tiny kitty, to wake up me and M's dad to help her. We were able to get her untangled and the net saved all without waking up the kid. This led to the cats sleeping in the bathroom for probably close to a year. 

The one on the right has a small spot between his ears which is where Spot got his name. Then his fur grew out so much he became spotless.

When I finally agreed that they could sleep somewhere other than the bathroom, Spot quickly decided M's bed was the place to be. Spot and M would fight over M's pillow until finally M gave up Spot got the pillow and M used Spot as a pillow. Spot always preferred to sleep with M or at least in M's room. 

Spot was a very friendly cat especially if you had black on, he loved to wrap his tail around black pants and leave his mark. He adapted to the 4 homes he has lived in with much grace and very little adjustment time. As long as he had his boy he was happy. The latest change came about 6 months ago when we rescued a kitten and brought her into our home. Spot adjusted well to the kitten.  I saw a renewed energy in him and Blanca, there were times when they would both let the kitten inside of them out to play. But they were also good at teaching the kitten how to relax. 

He was a licker and a kneeder and a cuddler. He will be greatly missed in our house as it's only been a few short hours and I can definitely feel a difference in the air here without his presence. 

Halloween 2008, he was not impressed

 The 2 of them in costume

 He was so furry, he got clumpy and had to get shaved, this was the end result. He HATED being shaved.

Spot did like all people and since M wasn't on a piece of furniture he would sleep with B.

 This is how Spot was with me, on his back kicking me for attention, which he almost always got. 

RIP Spot May 2003- May 2015. We love and will miss you.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ugly weekend

I must be having a very ugly weekend bc I have had three comments this weekend that were quite the kick in the gut.

Saturday at target the lady in line behind me says: "did you get all the sun today?"
Me: "oh does it look that bad"
Lady: studdering "oh well it will probably be better tomorrow"
Me: "yep its bad, yes all today, and no I'll look like this tomorrow too"

Today volunteering at the football game for the kids band association I am checking my phone as we are cleaning up. The stand manager who is not associated with the organization I was with but with the stadium sees my background photo and says : "oh is that your boyfriend let me see the picture"
I show her the photo.
Stand manager: "oh look how cute you look I couldn't tell with the hat on"
Me: ...
Stand manager leaves
Me : "did that just happen?"

So then I get home and the kid asks "did you wear that all day?"
Can't a girl catch a break???

Hopefully next weekend is a better looking weekend for me.

Monday, May 12, 2014

What is wrong with our Justice system

Lately the news has been full of clerical errors that have lead to people not serving the jail time they were supposed to. For every instance of a person turning their life around after the clerical error there are not good instances. For instance the Missouri man who never received his day to start serving his sentence for 13 years. In those 13 years he became a productive part of society and didn't repeat his criminal behavior. However there was a gentleman in Colorado who was released 4 years early killed the states corrections chief that showed up at his door.

The case that got me the most confused was that of Rene Lima-Martin who was convicted of armed robbery in Colorado and sentenced to 98 years in prison, clearly there were many charges more charges, however everything I have read about the case sounds like the gentleman committed 2 armed robberies and was caught. He was convicted on 8 charges and had to serve them back to back rather than simultaneously so he was essentially sentenced to life. However due to a clerical error he was released in 8 years and since then has become a productive member of society, completed parole, and did not repeat his criminal behavior. however when Colorado figured out their error they sent him back to jail. Now I understand he needs to complete his sentence what I do not understand is why his sentence was so long to begin with. I am starting to wonder what his socioeconomic standing is? Plainly stated is he poor? How did this man get such a harsh sentence. Maybe the news articles I have read don't give a full picture of his criminal history. I do not think the articles would omit if he has killed someone though. (Here is one article about him :

What has compelled this blog post you are wondering. It was the fact that after thinking about Rene and his blight this weekend I read an article about a 21 year old driver in MD who hit and killed a motorcyclist while texting and driving and her punishment is a $500 file. ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME??? (Here is that article, or really just a press release: The article says that there are conflicting eyewitness accounts. However the bottom line is that this driver was texting while driving and killed someone. Texting while driving is illegal and they killed someone. Their only punishment is a fine???? What is wrong with this justice system?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Breast feeding

So I have a much older child, a teenager, but I still harbor feelings of inadequacy bc I was unable to breast feed him as a baby. Everyone had an opinion from DR's to family to strangers, EVERYONE. The nurse who wanted to know at his 6 week check up if I wanted the pills to restart breast milk that had finally stopped bc formula was not the way to go, the family member who told me it was my fault bc I didn't have patience, or the family member that told me I needed to try harder. None of these women were with me in the room while my child was crying bc he was hungry and didn't want to latch on. None of these women were the lactation consultant who was in my room and helped me make the decision. I couldn't let him cry when there was something I could do so I chose to switch him to formula to make sure he was provided for. I remember thinking that I was somehow broken and destined to fail as a mother bc I couldn't get him to breast feed.

Still to this day people insist that the only way to raise a healthy child is to breast feed so I still wonder if I did him a disservice. As many of my friends are getting to that baby having phase and social media is so popular many of them take the time to post articles backing up their opinions. Out of respect and not wanting to get into an online argument I am choosing to post this article here. This article made me feel like maybe I am not such a bad mom for not being able to breast feed, now don't get me wrong I have plenty of other things to question, as most parents do, but I feel better about my decision 13 years ago to give him food rather than let him cry until he did it the "right" way.