My Weakness

I have this friend and he is my weakness. I have known this man since I was in 8th grade so thats what since I was 12 or 13 so basically half my life. We tried dating in high school, it didn't last long maybe a couple of months but a great friendship came out of this that has remained. In fact my ex-husband didn't like my friendship with this man b/c I talked often of the things we would do and my ex was jealous.
We 2 years ago we had the brilliant idea that we could be friends with benefits. That was a mistake and ended with us not talking for about 8-9 months. Well we started talking again and have since resumed our friendship with benefits. You would think I had learned from the first time but this time I thought I could handle things b/c the last time we were going out every weekend and winding up together but this time it was a once in a while thing. And our friendship seemed to be the center of our relationship not the benefits, in fact I have been dating other trying to find someone (side note: no benefits for the others yet).
Well then I decided to take him to a wedding with me. What was I thinking, taking this odd relationship more main stream, he was all for it and excited to come with me and the monster. I let him know that I was in the wedding so it would be a lot of alone time and yet he was really willing to come. Awesome. I got my hopes up that this would be a great weekend with him.
The night before the wedding we all go out (the bride, the date, me and the maid of honor). Throughout the day the MOH is kind of working my date, I had warned him about her as she is slightly whorish!!!! You know coming down for the weekend and ending up going home each night with a different guy and what not.
Needless to say I was not pleased when on the way home they are kissing in the back seat of my car!!! First we will start with him and the fact that I told him she would try and I would like him to stay clear. When he met her his reaction was eewww!!! ok if he really thought that then why would he then kiss her but whatever. So moving onto her what kind of person goes after a man brought to a wedding with someone else? I mean come on now woman have some self respect.
So the bride was mad too but didn't say much until the reception when she felt she had calmed down and could talk about it. You know what the MOH's response was??? I can't control myself after a couple of drinks??? what kind of excuse is that? I mean grow up you are a 35 year old woman. Learn some manners, respect for others and respect for yourself. I will refrain at this point from being any harsher b/c that would make this post too long and not nice.
Moving back to date/weakness. So we get back to where we are staying and he can tell I am mad. But in actuality I am mad at myself b/c he has done something like this to me before and I got my hopes up just to be dashed again by the same man.
So I finally lay it out for him. He tells me I don't communicate. Well neither does he! So what is the point in my bringing it up. I go through it all in my head on a regular basis. I know what I want and I pretty sure I know what he wants and that doesn't jive at all. Which blows b/c we click and we always have fun and things are always smooth sailing. I have been out there dating as of late and I just don't get the same feeling from the guys I have been with that I do from him. I told him this. B/c I am annoyed I believe I said: "it's frustrating that the guy who I can't be in a relationship with I have feelings for but those who I could be nothing."
In our conversation I just told him "its whatever" to which he replies "your not whatever to me" and he also tells me that I am the one that is always there and always will be there. Fine then stop treating me like whatever. Oh yes and he loves me. Really how do you love me? He can't answer that! So don't say it if you can't back it up. I love you is big statement that could change everything and it can destroy everything too. I am not naive about this but I do want some sort of clarity and he has the nerve to tell me I don't communicate! At least what I say makes sense! Goodness me! I think he was just trying to not piss me off, but it back fired b/c you don't throw that statement out there if you don't mean it! That is just plain cruel.
I am frustrated by our relationship but do not know how to change it. I ask him where does this leave us and he goes into his speech about how we aren't ready to be in a relationship and all I can think of is no dumbass what you are saying but not b/c you have no balls is that you don't want to be in a relationship with me. Just say it, rip the band aid off, let it go. So I think in the course of this rant I have decided I am done with this game. We can be friends there will be no more benefits! I am done being a doormat. I am annoyed as hell that I have feelings for him but it could be one of the psychological things where I have these feelings b/c I don't have him and when I have him I won't want him.
Here are the logical reasons why we cannot be in a relationship:
1. I have a child which means I am not able to go out every weekend and I am responsible when I do the next morning.
2. I have more limits than he does.
3. He has a wandering soul, I cannot wander as I have a child I need to be stable for. I think it would be a shame to hold him back when he wants to go and I can't go with him.

So my head knows it won't work why do I still want him??? I don't know but I am going to try and stay strong and continue our friendship and friendship alone.